


i'll be the hero you're dreaming of.

by xiseoks



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life, e x t r e m e p i n i n g, pining so extreme it could be a sport
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiseoks/pseuds/xiseoks
Summary: As impossible as it was to not fall for Kim Jongdae, it seemed to be just as impossible to fall out of love with him.





	i'll be the hero you're dreaming of.

**Author's Note:**

> this is just "songbirds" but in the 80s and on steroids
> 
> inspired by the power teaser..... that came out a year ago. yea I know. anyway imagine cute blondae in pjs & lil bbh in his glasses and floppy hair in this pls thank you
> 
> warnings! nothing too heavy but just in case  
> \- homophobia (internalized and otherwise)  
> \- bullying
> 
> thanks for reading c:

Jongdae was _always_ late.

Baekhyun, on the other hand, ever the best friend in the entire world, was always reliably on time. It had nothing to do with his last minute period teacher releasing his class five minutes early every day. Baekhyun was just a timely man, is all.

The sun gleams down onto the courtyard in harsh tones this afternoon, the rays slanting in between thin tree branches and casting shadows across his face. He throws an arm across his eyes to block them out as he rests against the cemented fence lining the courtyard. Even with the sun, there’s a slight chill to the air — the first sign of autumn. He hums to himself, some jingle that had been playing on a television commercial yesterday night.

“Baekhyun!”

Ah, he’s arrived.

Baekhyun sits up, brows perked up at the enthusiastic tone in Jongdae’s voice, and spots him running across the courtyard with a giant grin on his face. Jongdae is usually smiling, but this was a _bursting with excitement_ smile, as opposed to his usual content little smile.

Baekhyun pulls himself up and begins walking along the pavement without Jongdae, gesturing for him to follow.

“Guess who just recently scored the _entire_ Frostbyte chronicles?” Jongdae says once he finally catches up.

Baekhyun side-eyes Jongdae, not believing for a single second that Jongdae is talking about himself. They’d been trying to get even just one issue of that damned Frostbyte comic ever since their favorite publisher highly recommended it. Since then, every comic place, store, and sketchy guy in an alleyway had been all sold out of the acclaimed Frostbyte.

Jongdae grins at the dubious look Baekhyun shoots him, and damn it, Baekhyun does want to believe him, but they’ve been looking for that comic for months! Surely Jongdae wouldn’t have just randomly come across it now.

But when he zips open his backpack to reveal a stack of plastic-wrapped comic books, Baekhyun’s eyes widen, and he feels his heart lurch in his chest.

“No way,” he gasps, stopping in his path. “Don’t mess with me, Jongdae.”

“I’m not!” Jongdae says, pulling one out to show Baekhyun. “Look! The real deal.”

“You ass,” Baekhyun says, taking it into his hands as if it could shatter into a million pieces. Sure enough, the words _Frostbyte: Man of Ice_ are stretched across the top of the comic in its signature font, bright and welcoming to Baekhyun’s inner yearning comic book nerd. Frostbyte himself stands on the cover in action, made to look as if he is shooting sharp, knife-like icicles out at the reader. “Where the hell did you get this?”

“I bought it off that kid in my chemistry class,” Jongdae says. “You know, the smart one — Kyungsoo.”

Baekhyun gapes at him. “Kyungsoo? You bought it off _our worst enemy?_ ”

“He was selling it for cheap! And hey, he isn’t friends with the Asshole anymore, you know that, right? He actually apologized to me for everything the Asshole’s done to us.”

“Still,” Baekhyun mutters. “The fact that he was involved with them at all…”

Jongdae merely rolls his eyes, airy smile on his face. “So do you want to read it or not?”

“ _Of course_. I thought that went without saying.”

“Then stop complaining,” Jongdae says, but with a lilt of teasing. Baekhyun merely sticks his tongue out at him, but follows it with a smile as he takes his gaze back down to the first issue of _Frostbyte_.

“ _Thank you, Jongdae, I love you, Jongdae, you’re a miracle worker, Jongdae,_ ” Jongdae himself says in what Baekhyun assumes is a _Baekhyun_ voice.

Baekhyun would, typically, comeback with something snarky, but figures if Jongdae spent actual money on this, he could drop it. So he only smiles, genuine and grateful and starry-eyed.

“Thanks, Jongdae,” he says. “You’re really the best.”

It clearly takes Jongdae off guard, if the disbelieving blink of his eyes and arch of his brow is anything to go by, but it isn’t long before he smiles too, and wraps a tight arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders as they walk. “Any time, Baekhyunnie.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun had realized a long time ago, painstakingly, that it was sort of impossible to not fall in love with Kim Jongdae.

It was a sweltering night, the summer just before their junior year, when he had this unfortunate revelation. There was nothing going on in particular. It was a dull and uneventful day, besides the record-high temperatures that swarmed the town. Baekhyun had been with Jongdae the entire day, hitting the diner, then the arcade, and finally coming back to Jongdae’s house for dinner and television with his family. At this point, they’d only been friends for a year.

It was fun and all, of course, but it’s what came after that Baekhyun seems to recall the best.

Again, it’s not like there was much going on. Nothing _big_ happened in particular. That’s what frustrates Baekhyun the most, how his heart is captured by the most simple of things.

After dinner, Baekhyun and Jongdae had laid across the floor of the latter’s bedroom, fans hitting them from all directions, window shoved wide open to reveal the piercingly bright stars and the moon glaring at them from the sky. Baekhyun remembers exactly how he felt that night. Hot, mostly. Very hot. For two reasons.

Summer, obviously, was one of the reasons. Despite it being long past evening, the heat was enough to make Baekhyun want to peel his skin off.

The other reason was Jongdae. Jongdae would always be a reason, somehow. Jongdae’s voice, when he spoke to him with that soft sort of edge that Baekhyun had deluded himself into thinking was only meant for him. Jongdae’s smile that curled up at the corners and embodied the very definition of _glowing_. Jongdae’s laughter that rang throughout that terribly hot bedroom and out the window, into the open night where the stars could hear his laughter too (and therefore, Baekhyun’s bad jokes that preceded them).

Jongdae had Baekhyun feeling hot for a while now. Not in _that_ particular way, but in the very overwhelming, emotional way. Baekhyun would describe it now as a swell of the heart, a sudden rush of adrenaline kicking in his veins and pulsing throughout his body, a deep desire to simply just...scoot over and tuck his head into Jongdae’s neck sometimes.

It was very concerning, back when they first met. He understands that not many high school boys would want to hold their friend’s hand or lean into their touch. Now, though, he’s come to accept it somewhat. Accept everything, even if he does not act on it. How could he?

That summer night, Baekhyun realized it was impossible not to fall in love with Kim Jongdae and his voice, smile, and laughter. They didn’t talk much that night, because it was too hot to talk. But it was comfortable still, laying there in silence. Just being there, with him, was enough, and until today, that is still something of a mantra that Baekhyun follows. Being with Jongdae, in however way, is enough.

Baekhyun considers that night as a turning point in his feelings towards Jongdae. He’d known before of his feelings, oh definitely. He’d known from the moment they met. But it was that particular evening that had him accept them at all. Perhaps it was because he had too much time to think over everything they were, everything Jongdae meant to him. Perhaps it was because he could feel the heat radiating off of Jongdae just inches away.

Or perhaps it was the gentle smile on Jongdae’s face when Baekhyun turned to look at him. He asked him, _why are you smiling?_ , because for god’s sake, how anyone could be smiling in such heated weather was a mystery to him. But Jongdae had just shook his head and chuckled a little, a bead of sweat rolling down from his head to his neck.

 _Because I’m really glad you’re here with me_ , he had said.

Jongdae had a knack for saying things like that out of nowhere, when you least expected it. Baekhyun, to this day, doesn’t know what he meant, because he didn’t push on (again, it was too hot to talk unless necessary). Here with him as in that night in particular? Here with him as in there in his life, as his friend?

He doesn’t know. He only remembers the extra warmth, that sweltering _heat_ that rushed through him when those words — paired with Jongdae’s smile — hit him. It was enough for him to realize that — yes, maybe it’s time to stop fighting this feeling that’s been growing inside his heart for some time.

That feeling… That strange inexplicable sort of heat in his chest that even the summer sun could not dare to rival. The humidity of that night might have been unbearable. but hell, Baekhyun bets if you were to put a thermometer next to his heart on that night, he would have had it beat.

Don’t misunderstand. It doesn’t mean he will ever act on these feelings, as strong as they are. It might have overwhelming at times, oh yes… There might have been times where Jongdae laughed a bit too hard at one of Baekhyun’s jokes, eyes crinkling and mouth widening into a beautiful smile, and Baekhyun would feel that familiar pull to tell him.

There might have been times where it seemed right to tell him, where Jongdae — from where he sat across the table at their favorite diner — would look at him with this strange warmth in his eyes. It was too warm to be friendly, but Jongdae would always look away before Baekhyun could make proper judgment.

In fact, there have been too many opportunities to confess. There have been almosts and would-haves and should-haves, there have been nights where Baekhyun would lie awake in bed and wonder if telling Jongdae about these weird non-friend like feelings would make it worse or better.

That hot summer night was one year into their friendship. Baekhyun had hoped, that maybe, these strange feelings for his best friend will fade.

Yet, now, another year later, Baekhyun’s heart burns with desire for him more than ever. As impossible as it was to not fall in love with Kim Jongdae, it seemed to be just as impossible to fall out of love with him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _Frostbyte_ is proving to be worth the hype. The protagonist is charming yet intimidating, and the plot itself doesn’t lull in the slightest.

Baekhyun is spread across his bed, holding his comic up above him — issue #23 — as his eyes flit across the pages eagerly. Jongdae lies next to him, the stack of comic books spread between them.

Well, Frostbyte’s just got a face full of fist and things aren’t looking so great for him. The page depicts him on the ground, nose bleeding profusely, with the villain’s shadow looming darkly above him. Baekhyun grits his teeth, attempting to flip the page, but in his nervousness, he doesn’t realize it’s the last of the issue.

“What the _hell_ ,” Baekhyun whispers, then sits up abruptly in his bed. “Jongdae, did you—”

But besides him, Jongdae is asleep, snoozing with issue #19 spread across his chest. Baekhyun huffs, peering at the issue number and declaring him weak-willed. Now he has all this pent-up frustration and no one to vent to. He could call Chanyeol, but it was nearing eleven, and Chanyeol’s father was strict about late calls to the house.

He supposes he could wait until morning, though it may kill him to do so. Jongdae would be upset knowing Baekhyun read on without him.

And anyway, the experience is always better when they’re on the same page.

“I can’t believe you,” Baekhyun says under his breath, shaking his head. There’s a faint smile on his face, tinged with fondness.

Jongdae’s hair was a mess, strewn across Baekhyun’s pillows. He wore a cashmere sweater today, pale blue, with a darker shade of jeans and thick socks with a funky Easter egg-looking pattern on them. They only have one class together this year, so Baekhyun can only catch Jongdae in the hallways during the five minute breaks.

When he saw him today, walking down the hallway with a book clutched to his chest and his sweater’s sleeves going past his fingertips, he was pretty sure his heart legally stopped for several seconds. But then, Jongdae had turned his head, spotted Baekhyun, and smiled, waving a little. The next thing Baekhyun knew, Jongdae had already gone off to class, disappearing among the crowds of students, and there were arms shoving against him as people pushed him, standing in the middle of the hall looking a little befuddled.

Jongdae was effortlessly beautiful and it frustrated Baekhyun to no end.

Now, with Jongdae snoozing in his bed, a comic laid across his chest and those _damn sweater sleeves_ falling past his fingers, Baekhyun can’t help but… turn away.

It was overwhelming, most of the time. This feeling in him. Strong and begging to be realized.

... _God_ , he should have just kept reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you have another quarter, Baekhyun?”

The local arcade was a popular hangout spot for people their age. They spent a good amount of time there when they weren’t at school or each others’ homes. Baekhyun’s older sister says they spent _too_ much time there.

Baekhyun scrunches his nose, not lifting his eyes from the pinball machine. “Did you use all of yours on Dig Dug again?”

“I couldn’t help it!” Jongdae defends, suddenly appearing in his line of sight. “Someone kicked me off the top spot and I have to get it back.”

“Invest your money towards better games and we’ll talk,” Baekhyun teases.

“Says the guy on the pinball machine!”

“Pinball is an invigorating way to pass time,” Baekhyun says, intensely focused on the machine, trying his hardest to avoid looking at Jongdae. He knows he’s pouting, and the second Baekhyun catches a glimpse of it, his focus will be compromised.

“Do you have a quarter or not?” Jongdae asks, crossing his arms.

Baekhyun opens his mouth to respond, but is interrupted by a newcomer.

“I have one,” he says.

They turn to see Do Kyungsoo — classmate, fellow comic book enthusiast, and former associate of certain assholes that parade the school looking for thin, weak nerds to pick on (read: Jongdae and Baekhyun).

Kyungsoo holds out a quarter in his palm, owlish eyes watching them expectantly. Jongdae takes the offered quarter.

“Thanks, man,” he says, managing a smile. Baekhyun is immediately put on guard, so much so that he forgets about his game of pinball. Kyungsoo had never bullied them, not anything close to being even slightly mean to them, but he’s friends with the guys who do — or was friends, if what Jongdae said the other day was to be true.

“No problem,” Kyungsoo says, awkwardly shuffling his feet. “I also wanted to, uh, say...sorry, you know. I feel like I should have severed ties with those guys a long time ago for the kind of things they say to you guys.”

“It’s cool,” Jongdae says. “Really. You can’t do much about it.”

“Yeah, but I mean. Still. Don’t know why I let myself be their friend for so long. I just… We’d all been friends since we were little, so it — it took a while to come to my senses.”

“I get it,” Jongdae says.

A small smile bursts onto Kyungsoo’s face. “Thanks,” he says. Then his gaze is drifting over to land on Baekhyun.

Jongdae clears his throat expectantly, nudging Baekhyun, who jumps at the sudden contact.

“What?” he mutters. Jongdae gestures to Kyungsoo with his eyes, flitting back and forth.

Baekhyun, still onguard and wary, crosses his arms and sighs. “Yeah, okay. It’s fine… I guess.”

“Sorry again,” Kyungsoo says. “I’ll, uh. Let you guys play, then.”

“Do you want to play, too?” Jongdae asks.

“Nah, I was on my way out anyway. But thanks,” he smiles again. Baekhyun admits his smile is soft and friendly, almost welcoming, but he stands his ground.

“And hey,” Kyungsoo continues, “let me know how you guys like _Frostbyte._ ”

“Sure thing,” Jongdae laughs, waving goodbye once the man finally turns to leave, weaving through the throng of people.

“What was that about?” Baekhyun asks.

“What do you mean? He just wanted to apologize on behalf of his shitty ex-friends.”

“Yeah, a quarter is sure to make up for all the shit his friends put us through.”

“ _Ex-friends_. And it’s not about the quarter,” Jongdae says.

Baekhyun merely grumbles, supposing he is right. Kyungsoo seems nice enough, anyway. He just doesn’t want this to bite them in the ass later.

They spend another twenty or so minutes jumping from machine to machine — on Baekhyun’s change, might he add — yelling at screens and taking turns to prove they can get a higher score than the other. When it came down to it, Jongdae was probably better at these kinds of games, but Baekhyun could kick Jongdae’s ass in Nintendo any day, so he was cool with it.

“Hey, boys, look. It’s Nerd and Nerdier.”

This voice — not much less annoying than a shrill, high pitched whine — rings from behind Baekhyun and Jongdae.

“Is that the best you could come up with?” Baekhyun says, not bothering to turn around.

“I don’t know, I think it suits you just fine,” he says.

“Dibs on Nerdier,” Jongdae says, very pointedly, glaring back at the asshole. Baekhyun becomes distracted enough that his character dies, a dwindling twinkling sound coming from his machine as he turns around to deal with the matter at hand.

“At least he embraces it,” the Asshole says with laughter, his crew of goonies laughing alongside him. They look ridiculous, standing in the middle of the arcade in a sort of formation. What, were they getting ready to take off?

“What are you doing here, anyway?” Baekhyun spits.

“Heard Kyungsoo was here,” Asshole says. “It’s you nerds’ fault he ditched us, isn’t it?”

“Maybe think it over again and realize that he left you because you’re all scum with no worth,” Baekhyun says.

“Did you hear that? _We’re_ the ones with no worth,” Asshole says with another irritating laugh. God, Baekhyun’s never wanted to punch anyone more.

Thankfully, he doesn’t need to, for a new challenger approaches.

“Hey, ass, aren’t you late for your hair appointment?” says the newcomer. “Your stylist said your hair’s the greasiest she’s ever had to deal with, so it’s best you get over there as soon as you can so she has more time to deal with it, you know? Just a thought.”

Park Chanyeol was a guy of higher status at their school. He was on the football team, was friendly and charming, and had a wide circle of friends that consisted of at least one person from every clique of their school.

Best of all, he held no judgment for anyone, and he really liked comic books, as opposed to some of his other friends? Conformity? He doesn’t know such a thing. The only reason he was on the football team at all was because there wasn’t a bowling team at their school.

Everyone was afraid of him because he was taller and bigger than the average kid, but really — he couldn’t be any gentler.

“Why are you here, Park?” Asshole says, narrowing his eyes and clearly trying to sound tougher.

“Could ask you the same,” Chanyeol says. “I like hanging out here. You, on the other hand, have no reason. Unless you’re only here to pick on juniors?”

Asshole stares him down a little longer, as if searching for a reply that could make him look good in front of his goonies. He seems to fall short though, judging from the way he uncrosses his arms and huffs in frustration.

“Mind your business,” Asshole says.

“As long as you mind yours,” Chanyeol says, smiling tightly at him in a deeply sarcastic manner.

“Whatever,” Asshole spits, turning to his followers. “Let’s go. They’re not worth our time.”

“Don’t forget your hair appointment!” Chanyeol calls out to them.

They don’t bother to look back at them as they leave, their ridiculous formation falling apart as they move on out. They look like a disgruntled army of ants.

“My mom’s his stylist,” Chanyeol says with a bit of a proud smirk once they leave.

“Incredible,” Baekhyun says. “How are you, man?”

“Can’t complain,” he says. “Hey, I heard Kyungsoo sold you guys his Frostbyte comics. Who in their right mind would sell away Frostbyte?”

“Anyone with a brain and who knows that it could get them a lot of money considering the demand for it,” Jongdae says, rolling a ball up his skee-ball lane and earning a solid 100. “Anyone who knows they can trick fools into buying it for a higher price.”

“Are you the fool then?” Chanyeol remarks.

“I embrace it with pride,” Jongdae says. “It was well worth it. Anyway, Kyungsoo said he didn’t really like the comics.”

“That’s insane!” Chanyeol says, taking the skee-ball machine next to Baekhyun. “Frostbyte has a bit of everything for everyone. Like how—”

“No spoilers!” Baekhyun and Jongdae say in unison.

Chanyeol raises his hands in a guilty motion, chuckling to himself. “Alright, alright. Hey, you guys get that project assignment in English yet?”

“The group one, right?” Jongdae asks. “Yeah, you’re in our group too, aren’t you?”

“Mhm. Me, Kyungsoo, and Bae Joohyun. And you guys! I was psyched to see that.”

“Why? You know English is my worst subject,” Baekhyun says.

“Well, because you’re cool. Stop selling yourself short, Baek. You guys are like, the coolest kids in school.”

“Alright, now you’re just teasing us.”

“I mean it! Honestly. I think so, anyway.” Chanyeol’s pretty terrible at skee-ball, Baekhyun learns, as the big guy knocks his ball into Baekhyun’s when it jumps into his lane. “Don’t mind that asshole, by the way. He’s just...looking for people to mess with because he’s unsatisfied with himself.”

“I’m not intimidated by him,” Baekhyun says.

“Good,” Chanyeol says.

“As long as he’s afraid of you, I think we’re okay,” Jongdae chuckles. Chanyeol merely waves a hand in dismissal, throwing his ball off course again. Baekhyun laughs, because isn’t skee-ball just a smaller version of bowling?

“Chanyeol wouldn’t hurt a fly,” Baekhyun says.

“He’ll hurt us all if he keeps playing like this,” Jongdae says.

Chanyeol shrugs in nonchalance, rolling his last ball up the aisle only for it to drop in the _zero_ pit.

“Well,” Chanyeol says resignedfully, “he’s not wrong.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“What part are you on now?”

“The same issue I was on when you asked me two minutes ago, Baek.”

Baekhyun blows air through his lips. He lays face up on his couch, as Jongdae sits at his feet with a comic in his hands. The rest of the issues are spread across the coffee table, waiting to be read. Baekhyun is a faster reader than Jongdae, so he’s got to wait for him a bit if they want to be on the same page.

If Baekhyun didn’t have such a big mouth when it came to spoilers, then Jongdae would likely let him read ahead, but as it currently stands, he’s left to wait, or read slower.

He purses his lips. Pulls it from one side. To the other. Messes with his thick-framed glasses. Tries to move them with his face without using his hands.

The spackled ceiling has never been so dull-looking, he thinks. Eventually, he begins to conjure up his own scenarios of what happens next in _Frostbyte_. Maybe Tsunami, his arch nemesis, actually does go for the Atlantian Bank like he said he wouldn’t in the last issue. He was unpredictable, which is why he made for such a great villain.

Maybe Frostbyte finally gets the courage to ask out the pretty receptionist at the bank. Baekhyun scoffs. Frostbyte may be strong and intimidating when it comes to battles with evil forces, but he was hopeless when it came to romance.

Baekhyun frowns, realizing he can relate. Except he wasn’t strong or intimidating and he didn’t fight evil villains. So. He didn’t have anything going for him at all, really.

“Hey,” Baekhyun says. Jongdae hums his acknowledgment. “You know how the fall dance is coming up?”

“Yeah,” he says.

“What do you think about going?” Baekhyun asks.

At last, Jongdae raises his gaze and settles it on Baekhyun with a perked brow. “We’ve never gone to the fall dance.”

“We did!” Baekhyun says, sitting up. “Freshman year.”

“Yeah, and that was a disaster for you. We didn’t know each other yet, remember? You went alone and got juiced.”

“You make it sound like I got thrown into a blender and made into a strawberry smoothie,” Baekhyun says, grimacing when he recalls the icy cold fruit punch running from his head down to his toe. It was all kinds of uncomfortable.

“I mean, you might as well have, with the way you looked afterwards,” Jongdae says. “I remember watching you across the room and thinking, damn, that’s gotta be humiliating.”

Baekhyun hums. “I’m over it. It’s our junior year. We should go.”

Jongdae heaves out a sigh, shutting his comic and throwing it on the table with the rest. “I don’t know, Baek. If we’re not going to dance, I don’t really see the point.”

“Do you _want_ to dance?”

“Do I look like I know how to dance?”

“I can’t either,” Baekhyun says, shrugging. “Let’s just go for the hell of it. The atmosphere. The dressing up. The _food_.”

“Yeah, and the fruit punch,” Jongdae says. “I wouldn’t let them do that to you again.”

“We can’t just hide forever because we’re scared of _them_ ,” Baekhyun says. “Which I’m not, by the way. Are you?”

“Of course not,” Jongdae says. “Chanyeol was right. They’re just insecure scumbags, bored and mean. But I have very strong survival instincts and they tell me to avoid them at all costs.” Jongdae shrugs, picking up the next issue. “And besides, do you really want to go just to be surrounded by a bunch of couples?”

Baekhyun sighs, giving up, before flopping back onto the couch. “I guess not.”

“I’m caught up, by the way.”

Baekhyun perks up. “Oh, sweet.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As comic book enthusiasts, Baekhyun and Jongdae spent a good — or at least more than average — amount of time discussing what kind of superpowers they’d have were they of a world where they actually, you know, existed. Baekhyun thinks that, in the real world, Jongdae’s superpower is being impervious to horror movies. In fact, he envies it.

It’s a little chilly outside as they step out of the movie theater. The weird, dazed, dream-like feeling one gets after sitting in a dark theater for a few hours is overwhelming tonight in particular, probably because Baekhyun is still numb and shaking from the movie they had just watched.

“That was so good,” Jongdae says as they navigate their way through the parking lot.

“That was _terrifying_ ,” Baekhyun shudders. “I can’t believe you didn’t even flinch once.”

“What do you mean? Wasn’t that a comedy?”

Baekhyun halfheartedly punches Jongdae on his upper arm, pouting. “You’re making fun of me.”

“Ah, lighten up, Baekhyunnie,” Jongdae says, chuckling. Baekhyun tries not to jump out of his own skin when Jongdae’s arm wraps around his shoulder, pulling him in closer. “Don’t be scared. I’ll protect you.”

“Fuck off.”

Jongdae merely laughs and releases him as they clamber inside his dad’s truck, Jongdae at the wheel.

“The movie was longer than we thought it would be,” Baekhyun says. “Is your dad going to be mad we took the truck for this long?”

“He’ll be fine,” Jongdae soothes. “He trusts me.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Thanks, man.”

Baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him as Jongdae begins to pull out of the parking space.

“Hey, did the movie really scare you?” Jongdae says once they’re on the road, glancing at Baekhyun as he wraps his arms around himself. It was fairly cold tonight as well.

“Well, it’s nearing midnight and it’s dark outside so yeah. Can’t blame me for being a little scared,” Baekhyun confesses.

“Wanna stay at my place?” Jongdae asks. “My parents won’t mind as long as your mom doesn’t.”

Baekhyun glances at him. “Really?”

“Yeah. We can put in _Back to the Future_ and make popcorn to help shake off the scary thoughts.”

Baekhyun, admittedly, already feels kind of better just from the gesture, but nods anyway, a small and grateful smile on his face. “Okay.”

It’s one in the morning by the time _Back to the Future_ is playing on Jongdae’s television in the family room, his parents having gone up to bed already. They’re both in their pajamas, having dropped by Baekhyun’s house to pick them up and to inform his mother of where he’ll be staying tonight.

The bowl of popcorn rests between them on the mat they’ve set up on the floor, where they’ve built something like a fort with the blankets they’ve acquired from Jongdae’s bedroom. It makes for a cozy space that Jongdae’s assured no monsters can trespass. Baekhyun, once again, punched him on the arm.

“The mom thing was always freaky,” Baekhyun says once they’re deep into the film. He’s long forgotten about aliens and otherworldly beings.

“It’s funny,” Jongdae says. “His reaction is, I mean.”

“No, I totally thought you meant incest was funny.”

Jongdae rolls his eyes, nudges Baekhyun with his elbow. “Watch the movie.”

On the scale of rewatch-ability, _Back to the Future_ was a solid eight and three-quarters, but it’s nearly two in the morning and Baekhyun feels his eyes longing to drift shut. The chills from the horror movie have long gone, though all the credit for that can go to Jongdae and just his presence, not _Back to the Future_. Baekhyun would never say that out loud, of course. So he lets the movie play on, even as his eyes get more and more heavy.

About ten minutes later, he’s in that dazed zone halfway between sleep and consciousness. The zone where it feels like everything is a dream, where it’s hazy and he can’t quite tell what’s real and what’s not. That’s why when he feels a gentle hand pushing his head down onto a sturdy, but familiar and comforting shoulder, he chalks it up to only be a dream.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first session for their group project takes place at Baekhyun’s house on a Wednesday evening. Baekhyun’s mother was working tonight, and his sister was on a date, if he wasn’t mistaken, so they had the house to themselves.

Baekhyun is lucky to have been paired with Jongdae and Chanyeol, but he is still getting used to being around Kyungsoo — a former associate of Asshole and the Goonies — and Bae Joohyun, a clever and pretty girl, well known and well liked around the school. The definition of popular if there ever was one.

“Aren’t you bothered that you’re stuck with a bunch of boys?” Chanyeol asks Joohyun, as they make themselves at home around Baekhyun’s coffee table.

Joohyun just narrows her eyes at him. “To be honest I’m more bothered by your outfit.”

Baekhyun thinks she’ll fit right in.

For the first hour, they manage to get work done without getting distracted, taking turns reading page by page or chapter by chapter and coming together to summarize what’s been happening. But by the time the first hour is up, it’s clear they’re getting bored, if Jongdae’s monotone reading voice is anything to go by.

“Alright,” Jongdae says, closing the book. “End of chapter three. What do we think?”

“I think I need a nap,” Chanyeol says.

“Well put,” Kyungsoo says, and Baekhyun decides he likes him too.

“Is that Frostbyte?” Joohyun asks. She gestures to the stack of comic books on the television stand.

“It is,” Baekhyun says. “Have you read it?”

“I have,” she says. “The ending was-- “

“No spoilers!” Baekhyun — and Jongdae — exclaim.

“Didn’t think you were the type, Joohyun,” Chanyeol says.

“Why? Because I’m a girl?”

“No, you’re just so…”

“So what?”

Chanyeol, intimidated by her rising tone, quietens down instead of finishing his thought.

“Here’s a fun question we like to debate since we all seem to be comic book enthusiasts here,” Baekhyun says in a desperate attempt to keep things light, as is his expertise. “What would be your superpower if you had one? I’d have light, personally.”

“Thunder,” Jongdae says, pointing to himself with a proud smile.

“I’d have fire, easy,” Chanyeol says. “Roaring flames and blazing inferno.”

“Suits you,” Kyungsoo says with a bit of a chuckle. “I’d like strength, I think. That’d be pretty cool.”

“I want invisibility,” Joohyun says. “Sometimes, I’d like to disappear, but I’m not really committed to it.”

“That’s awesome,” Baekhyun says. “Your name could be something cool, but...minimalistic. Like, _Ghost_.”

“I love it,” Joohyun chuckles, flattening her skirt. “You could be… Oh! _Black Light_.”

“Jongdae can be _Thunder Boy_ ,” Chanyeol says.

“Oh, come on,” Jongdae whines. “They get _Black Light_ and _Ghost_ and I got _Thunder Boy?_ ”

“He’s got a point,” Kyungsoo says. “You just know Thunder Boy’s the kind of guy who shows up late to big battles and trips over air and has the lamest one-liners. “On second thought, maybe it suits him perfectly.”

They burst into laughter then, sans Jongdae, who grumbles. Baekhyun appeases him by - unconsciously - placing his hand over Jongdae’s.

“Thunder Boy sounds cool,” Baekhyun insists, catching Jongdae’s eyes. “He might be all that, but he’s the heart of the group. The most passionate, and the one most dedicated to the cause. That’s what a real hero is, isn’t it?”

“Well-spoken!” Chanyeol says, raising his glass of grape juice in a _hear-hear_ motion.

As everyone else agrees and nods, Jongdae simply takes the moment to look up at Baekhyun with a significant look in his eyes, humbled and grateful. While their friends chatter on about something new, for a second, Baekhyun doesn’t bother to listen to them. He simply offers Jongdae a warm smile, that familiar sharp pang shooting through his heart again at the sight of Jongdae’s lips turning up in that slight - but beautiful - gesture.

They’re drawn back into the conversation in the next second, to Baekhyun’s disappointment, because he would have much rather decipher the meaning behind every fond look in Jongdae’s expression than to come back to a discussion over the project.

It doesn’t matter now. The bubble popped, the moment’s passed, just as it always does. It always happens too fast, too fast for Baekhyun to make sense of it, too fast so that he doesn’t even really know it happened until it’s over. The little pockets of time, mere seconds really, where there are unsaid words in the air between them, where Jongdae has that _damn look_ in his eyes - those seconds are the most confusing, but the most hopeful, the most enlightening.

Then again, Baekhyun has become rather proficient in the art of deluding himself.

It’s nine pm now, and the rest of the group has gone home for the evening. Jongdae lingers, as usual, helping Baekhyun to clean the mess they made on the coffee table.

“I just realized,” Jongdae says as he stuffs some paper into his backpack, “our names go well with each other. Our superhero names, I mean.”

“You’re right!” Baekhyun says in amusement. “Black Light and Thunder Boy. Bringing the storm wherever we go.”

“What a tagline,” Jongdae chuckles.

“We’d make a hell of a team.”

“Don’t we already?”

Baekhyun smiles at that, dropping his head and pretending to focus on organizing a stack of papers so that Jongdae doesn’t see the heat in his cheeks. Jongdae’s doing the thing again, where he says things out of nowhere, things that are softer than usual. It never fails to take Baekhyun off guard.

“We do,” Baekhyun says. “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

“Nah, it’s pretty hot. Guess summer doesn’t want to leave, huh?”

Baekhyun chuckles, before following Jongdae outside to the front porch.

Night has overcome the neighborhood, a navy blue engulfing the street. The house lights act like stars, dotted along the empty road. It’s cooler out here; it feels nice on Baekhyun’s flustered skin.

“Remember how hot it was that one summer?” Jongdae asks, closing the front door and taking a seat on the porch step. “That was crazy.”

“I remember,” Baekhyun says. How could he forget that summer?

“I think that was the night that solidified our friendship,” Jongdae says, a fond smile on his face as he no doubt recalls the memory in his mind. “Our air conditioner was broken, but yours still worked at home, didn’t it? You were willing to suffer just to stay with me.”

Two years later, and Baekhyun gets a vague explanation for that inexplicable, out-of-nowhere _I’m really glad you’re here with me”_. In all honesty, Baekhyun wouldn’t have left Jongdae’s side if meteors started falling from the sky.

He smiles in return, wanting to voice his thoughts, but he needs to learn how to become better at that. Keeping in the things that he doesn’t need to say, the things that may possibly give him away. Baekhyun rarely has a filter, but he figures he needs one desperately when it comes to Jongdae.

“Please, you begged me to stay with you,” Baekhyun says instead, because he is so much better at teasing and making jokes than he is at feelings.

“I did!” Jongdae admits, eyes turning into half crescents. “I didn’t expect you to. That’s the best part.”

“You are so easily pleased, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, moving to sit besides him.

Jongdae merely shrugs. “I appreciate the smaller gestures too. Maybe even the most.”

“You really are the heart,” Baekhyun muses. “I wish more people were like you.”

 _Filter!_ , his brain screams at him. Maybe he has to work on it a little more.

“I think the same of you, Baekhyunnie,” Jongdae says, an airy smile on his face as he takes in the cool evening air. “You’re the best person I know.”

Baekhyun’s reflex to make jokes and deflect compliments nearly kicks in, but he urges it away. Not only does he need to work on his filter, but also in recognizing the mood of a situation. Only, now he doesn’t know what to say, and that’s the tricky thing about working through these kinds of obstacles.

“Thanks,” he mutters. Smooth.

Jongdae doesn’t seem to notice Baekhyun’s close to exploding from the heart outwards. He just sits up straight, looks up at the sky, and heaves out a deep sigh. It sounds different. Different enough, heavy enough to distract Baekhyun from his own troubles and wonder what’s wrong with the other.

“I’ve been so uneasy lately, Baekhyun,” he says.

“Why?” he asks. This isn’t right.

Jongdae doesn’t respond right away. He drops his gaze again, and only then does Baekhyun see the conflict in his expression, the hardness of his eyes. It has him sitting up straight as well, paying full attention.

“What’s wrong, Jongdae?”

“You’re my best friend,” Jongdae says, “so I want to be honest with you.”

“Yeah, of course,” Baekhyun says. “You can tell me anything.”

“Two things,” Jongdae says. He sighs yet again, closes his eyes. “Just two things but they feel like the world on my shoulders.”

“You can tell me,” Baekhyun says. _Let me take some of the burden._

“Okay, well,” Jongdae starts, blowing air through his lips, “for one — I’m...uh. Don’t… Don’t hate me, alright?”

“Jongdae, I couldn’t even fathom ever hating you.”

“I don’t know, ah, I just…”

Jongdae runs his hands through his hair in a mindless, stressful motion, and Baekhyun _wishes_ more than anything that he could take them into his own.

“I’m…” Jongdae murmurs. “I’m gay, Baekhyun.”

It is far from anything Baekhyun expected. if he expected anything like this at all.

“O-oh,” he says. He struggles for words. He knows what he _feels_ , but it’s difficult to put it into words that make sense, words that will reassure. “Well… That’s okay.”

Jongdae blinks at him, eyes softening. “What?”

Baekhyun musters up a smile. “Love is love,” he says.

And just the change in Jongdae’s eyes, in his entire expression, the way it relaxes and the way he lets out a breath — it all seems very familiar.

Baekhyun is not out yet. Not even close, but he’s accepted it long ago and this — this looks a little like self-acceptance.

“Oh my god,” Jongdae says. “You have no idea what that means to me.”

_Oh, he does._

“I know, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says. There’s a lot of questions running through Baekhyun’s mind right now. It’s like they’re spinning in a whirlwind and he can’t pin a single thought down because they’re all moving too frantically.

“This doesn’t change your perception of me, does it?” Jongdae asks.

The brief flicker of fear in Jongdae’s eyes, in the twitch of his fingers, has Baekhyun immediately ushering forward and shaking his head. “ _Of course_ not. You’re my best friend. I accept and love you as you, _especially_ because you’re you. This doesn’t change anything.”

It changes a lot, actually. It changes that dim little flame burning in Baekhyun’s chest, turns it into a  
roaring fire engulfing his entire heart, smoke crowding his lungs, and making him feel like he _has to tell Jongdae, right now_. It gives him hope, but at the same time, he wishes he hadn’t told him at all, because Baekhyun feels as if he would only be setting himself up for disappointment. Jongdae may like boys, but that doesn’t mean he likes Baekhyun.

That’s weird, anyway. It’s weird. To like your best friend.

Jongdae releases a sigh, sounding as if he’s been holding that one in for a while. His shoulders visibly relax and there’s even a hint of a smile on his face, grateful and relieved. “You make things so much easier for me, do you know that? I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate you.”

“If it’s anywhere near how much I appreciate you, then I might have a good idea,” Baekhyun says with a reassuring smile.

“Might even be more,” Jongdae says, shrugging as the corner of his lip turns up playfully. Baekhyun merely rolls his eyes and shoves him lightly with his shoulder, before remembering something else.

“Hey, you said you had another thing to tell me too?”

Baekhyun doesn’t miss the smile falling, just slightly, from Jongdae’s face before he plasters it back on. “Ah, it’s nothing important.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Jongdae says, although there is a tension to his voice and smile now that wasn’t there before.

While he is behaving oddly and while Baekhyun would love to know, he doesn’t push it. “You know where to find me if you ever decide to tell me then,” Baekhyun says.

Jongdae chuckles under his breath. “You’re the best, Baekhyunnie.”

It’s that smile again, the fond one that reaches his eyes but in the most gentle way.

Maybe to anyone else, it might seem like Jongdae was behaving as normally as he did any other day. But Baekhyun can tell differently.

It’s like Jongdae’s admission was a match, and he threw it onto Baekhyun’s heart to ignite a roaring, blazing inferno. Baekhyun, who had loved quietly before, is suddenly finding it difficult to do as he had promised himself — keep his feelings quiet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Baekhyun first met Jongdae, he didn’t think it could be possible that he was gay.

Sure, he had an inkling of that feeling growing in his heart when he saw the other, but he thought, well, he definitely liked girls. That he knew. Therefore, it was _impossible_ that he was gay. Wasn’t it?

Oh, how naive he was.

It wasn’t until he watched television one night with his mother and sister did he realize there was more to it than he initially thought.

A program was on. Some talk show. The host was saying something about David Bowie, and how it was the tenth anniversary of his coming out as bisexual. Baekhyun hadn’t really been paying attention to the television, focused on his slice of pizza, but the word bisexual stood out. It rang in his head and he glanced up, because it sounded awfully familiar.

He knew what it was, what it meant. It just never really… _clicked_ for him. He never applied it to himself.

The rest of his pizza went cold that night. His mother asked him if anything was wrong, because pizza was Baekhyun’s favorite. He’s the one that called for it that night.

Later that same evening, he lay in bed wide awake as a tornado of emotions and thoughts stormed through his mind. It had been about two months since he first met Jongdae, first felt a shimmer of attraction to him, but ignored it. He was only fourteen then, and confused, but now, it felt like the gears in his head — rusty and twisting and turning the opposite way — were finally clicking together, working together.

Then he realized, there are no rules for these kinds of things.

He shouldn’t be bound by labels, and shouldn’t have tried to brush off those feelings just because he was afraid, or because he had previously had feelings for girls too. Human feelings, emotions, attractions, are complex.

It was hard to come to terms with, but at the same time, it was liberating.

He bought a few of David Bowie’s albums the following day and, naturally, had them on repeat for the next several weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next time the group meets for a reading session, they’re sat under the large oak tree in the school’s courtyard, books and paper for notes spread across the picnic table. Baekhyun is admittedly a little ruffled he has to stay after school, but at least they have to suffer alongside him.

It’s been about a week since the last time they met up. And therefore, a week since Jongdae came out to him. It’s been a whirlwind.

They haven’t talked about it much, because as Jongdae requested, he would like to be treated normally. And that’s exactly what Baekhyun’s been doing, but he cannot help when his train of thought takes him in another direction.

Jongdae likes boys.

The way he’d told him… He seemed stressed about it; how long had he been going through this alone? Baekhyun wishes he’d been there for him earlier, wishes he was able to help a bit more.

Well. In truth, he could probably help a bit by sharing his own experiences. That would also mean coming out to Jongdae, though, and well — that’s a step Baekhyun is hardly ready for. It _should_ seem easier, now that Jongdae’s told him, but it just — it actually makes it more difficult, because Baekhyun had another secret too.

He feels like a desperate idiot. Just because Jongdae likes boys doesn’t mean he likes _him_.

But. There’s always a sliver of a chance, isn’t there? And that’s what’s got him so riled up.

It’s not like he can help it, really. Were it up to him, he’d tell that damn heart of his to shut up and get over it. However, as it stands, he’s left to wonder. Wonder if they could work.

_God, Byun. Do you hear yourself right now?_

It’s not as if he has to rule out the possibility. It could happen, couldn’t it?

 _Yeah, maybe if you were actually likeable_.

He could be… He’s kind of cute, right? There was that girl last year who confessed to him and said he was attractive. Baekhyun had to let her down easy.

Oh, god. What if Jongdae has to do the same to him? Is this how that girl felt? He ought to send her a card and flowers and apologize if this is how she felt.

“What do you think, Baek?”

“Huh?”

Baekhyun glances up to see the four of them staring him down intently.

“What… What was the question?”

“I said,” Chanyeol says, “what did you think about the eighth chapter?”

Oh, that. The chapter where he hadn’t been paying any attention and completely zoned out. That chapter.

“It was good,” he says.

“Are you okay, Baek?” Jongdae asks. “You seem distant.”

“I’m fine,” Baekhyun insists, shaking his head of dumb thoughts, “Just, uh, tired. It’s been a long week.”

“We can take a break, if you want. Go down to the diner, have a milkshake.”

“That sounds heavenly,” Baekhyun says, immediately closing his book. He can catch up some other time.

Some other time, when he is not stupidly overwhelmed by invading thoughts of how he and Jongdae would look as a couple. No. Not allowed. It would only hurt more, really.

That night, Baekhyun spreads himself across the couch with the intent to drown himself in potato chips. The trip to the diner had helped him relax a bit, but it had also...not.

He _loved_ spending time there. Just being there lifted his mood, no matter what kind of mood he was in. The smell of the food, the owner — Yubin — who was always bright and welcoming and would sometimes slip them a free shake or two. The place held good memories from childhood, all the way until now. From coming here with his father, to coming here with Jongdae, it was a second home, in a way.

The five of them had crammed into a booth, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Joohyun on one side and Chanyeol and Jongdae on the other. They seemed to be getting closer lately, Baekhyun’s noticed — Chanyeol and Jongdae. They had always been close, but it’s clearer now that they’ve developed a better liking for each other, bonding over things like comics that Baekhyun just wasn’t into, or television shows.

Baekhyun didn’t watch much television, save for MTV. That’s where he is now, lounging on the couch in his living room as _Can’t Fight This Feeling_ blasts a little louder than usual.

_”What started out this friendship has grown stronger  
I only wish I had the strength to let it show”_

His mother peeks her head from the kitchen. “Do you mind turning that down, Baekhyun?”

“Sorry,” Baekhyun mutters, searching for the remote, likely buried in between the couch cushions.

At the diner, Baekhyun had talked to Kyungsoo mostly, who had sat besides him. They had a lengthy chat about rock music, video games, and how much they both detest gym class. Baekhyun figures he’s alright. And later, Baekhyun and Joohyun approached the jukebox together, choosing a song and debating over which songs were better. She, too, was pretty alright.

_”My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you  
I've been running around in circles in my mind”_

All in all, it was a good distraction. It wasn’t until later, as Joohyun drove him home, did Baekhyun realize he had hardly conversated with Jongdae. It wasn’t done on _purpose_ , but Baekhyun thinks it may have been an unconscious thing, making him nervous to even talk to him.

And now, once more, spread across his living room couch, Baekhyun intends on drowning himself in unhealthy snack food stolen from the kitchen, because not only were these invading thoughts affecting his focus on schoolwork, they were keeping him from behaving _normally_ , like a best friend should.

 _”And if I have to crawl upon the floor_  
_Come crashing through your door_  
_Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore”_

Baekhyun groans, rolls his eyes, and switches the channel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over the next week, Baekhyun manages to control his thoughts. It was concerning, the direction they kept heading towards. There is still just one small thing that’s been nagging him though.

He should probably tell Jongdae he’s bisexual or something, right?

It’s not like Jongdae would shun him. At least, he hopes he wouldn’t. Bisexuality is still a different thing, after all. Still. Jongdae wouldn’t. He knows in his heart.

And yet, there’s still that damned fear stopping him. It’s like, the second Jongdae knows, Baekhyun will feel as if he’s easy to see through, feel as if Jongdae will be able to tell he’s fostering a little — or not so little — crush on him. And that’s not right. If he finds out, it’s going to come from Baekhyun himself.

Which leads to another question. Will he ever _confess?_

Highly unlikely at this point. Baekhyun figures he’ll just have to take this to the grave.

On this Tuesday afternoon, Baekhyun sits with Chanyeol at lunch. Chanyeol hops around often, sitting with a different group of friends every day, but lately, he’s been sitting with Baekhyun more, and that makes him feel a little special, admittedly.

“Alright, here we are,” Jongdae says once he arrives, setting onto the table a small, rectangular object. “Mixtape for one Mr. Park Chanyeol.”

“Aw, thanks, buddy,” Chanyeol says. “Got all the legends on there, right?”

“As you requested,” Jongdae grins, taking his routine seat besides Baekhyun.

“I’m still waiting on mine,” Baekhyun says pointedly with a mouth full of hotdog and bread.

“It’s _coming_ , don’t worry,” Jongdae insists with a smile, but quickly gathers his attention back to Chanyeol and his new cassette tape. Baekhyun merely licks the ketchup off the corner of his mouth and drops his gaze to his hotdog, feeling oddly excluded. Even if he knows that’s ridiculous.

He tries not to overthink it, but he recalls asking Jongdae for one far before they had even befriended Chanyeol. Jongdae liked making mixtapes; it was sort of his thing, him and music and the mixes he made. Baekhyun liked his taste in music, liked the way it flowed from one song to another perfectly, seamlessly.

Liked when Jongdae lent him his walkman and headphones, liked when they would huddle close to be able to listen together.

But… the music… mostly…

And it’s not like he was jealous that Chanyeol got his first, because well, that’s a shallow thing to be jealous about, and it probably meant nothing. Chanyeol’s was probably just easier to make, easier to throw together, because his taste in music was more straightforward and mainstream, whereas Baekhyun’s was a little more offbeat.

Still. Baekhyun couldn’t help but feel a little crummy, sitting there eating his hotdog dejectedly as Jongdae and Chanyeol chattered on about the new mix.

Later that day, after Baekhyun and Jongdae have walked to the latter’s home, they play on his Nintendo for a good twenty minutes (Jongdae always claims _this_ will be the time he beats Baekhyun’s score at _Double Dragon II_ , but to no avail. In the end, they always go back to _Bubble Bobble_.)

Or at least, Jongdae does, sat in front of the television with a very fierce, determined energy about him. Baekhyun, on the other hand, lays upside-down on Jongdae’s bed, legs kicked up onto the wall and arms holding _Frostbyte_ issue #76 above him.

“Don’t read too far ahead without me,” Jongdae says.

“Get off the game then,” Baekhyun counters.

Jongdae doesn’t respond except for a muffled _oof_ , which Baekhyun assumes is just a reaction to his game.

It isn’t long before Baekhyun grows bored, and drops the comic, covering his face entirely. Well, he’s bored, yes, but more so flooded by intruding thoughts that even Frostbyte couldn’t save him from.

He thinks, again, about how it’d be like to confess. At this point, he couldn’t even _imagine_ doing it. He had embedded in his brain the idea of keeping it to himself for so long that just the proposition of confessing seems...surreal. It was never _supposed_ to happen.

Things have changed though, and there is a glimmer of hope for him. It should make him feel fortunate, but really, it’s just ruined all of his plans.

“Hey, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, “have you ever confessed to anyone?”

“Confessed?” Jongdae asks. “No, I… I haven’t.”

“Have you ever liked anyone?”

“Well...yeah,” Jongdae says. “I had a small crush in junior high. And I had a bigger crush on Rob Lowe a few years ago.” He chuckles.

“And that’s all?” Baekhyun asks.

“Well, I…” Jongdae mutters, blinking rapidly. “...Yeah, I guess that’s all.”

Baekhyun swallows nervously, because that sounded a little hesitant. It must mean he doesn’t want to tell Baekhyun, and Baekhyun’s thoughts head in the worst direction. What if it was someone they both knew? A face and a name appear in Baekhyun’s head, but he quickly urges it away.

“Why?” Jongdae asks.

“Ah, I just… I was just wondering,” Baekhyun says, sort of scrambling for an excuse. “I watched a movie last night with my mom and sister and the main character was finding it difficult to confess to someone, even when they knew it would make them feel better.”

Jongdae hums thoughtfully. “It definitely is,” he says. “I mean, it’s got to be. Not that I’d know, really.”

Baekhyun purses his lips, pulling it to one side. He pulls off his glasses and tosses it elsewhere on the bed. “You ever feel like you can’t catch up with everybody else?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean. Everyone’s getting into relationships and having their first kisses and going on dates. Everyone’s preparing for college and saving up money and networking. I feel so. Stuck, sometimes. Like I’m falling behind. And by the time I catch up to everyone else, they’ll all be onto something new.”

“I think everyone feels like that sometimes,” Jongdae says. “It’s normal to. There’s no time limit on these kinds of things, Baek. At your own pace.”

“I just,” Baekhyun laughs in a self-demeaning manner, swiping a hand over his face. “I really fucking hate this. I hate that I can’t move on from this. That I feel too much and hurt too much and that this...dumb thing is like, freezing me in place.”

“...What dumb thing?”

“Nothing, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says. “I just wish I could move on.”

_From you._

“From what? You can tell me,” Jongdae says, earnestly. His tone is so warm it hurts, like an arrow on fire piercing Baekhyun right in the heart.

“I know,” Baekhyun says. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just...complicated.”

“Alright,” Jongdae says. “Well. I’m always here if you need me.”

Baekhyun would go to Jongdae for anything. He’s been his go-to for the past two years; there are no secrets between them.

Just one. A rather big one, if Baekhyun says so himself. It’s enough to make him feel like he’s rotting from the inside out. Like there’s a constant weight on his chest. When he looks at him, even just glances at him, he thinks of the feelings that long to pour out of him, long to be expressed.

Heart-stopping smile, eyes that squeeze into crescents when he laughs. A voice as delicate and beautiful as silver bells. A kindness that can’t be compared. A loyalty that will tie them together until the end of time. Baekhyun figures he has never really deserved him.

They tease each other often. Call each other names, make fun of the other in a playful manner. But they both know it’s all in good fun, know it only bonds them tighter, because at the end of the day, they know they need the other, that they love the other — platonic or otherwise. And that’s Baekhyun’s favorite thing about their friendship.

He can’t ruin this. He knows that more than ever now.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Baekhyun says, sitting up and swinging his legs off the side of the bed.

“What?” Jongdae asks, an urgency to his tone. “It isn’t even dark yet.”

“No, I know, but...I just think I should spend more time with my mom and sister,” Baekhyun says, even if he knows for a fact that the minute he gets home, he’s shutting himself in his room and hiding in his blankets.

Actually, now that he thinks about it, a movie with his family doesn’t sound bad. It sounds kind of nice. Like something he really needs.

Jongdae has his brows drawn together in that sort of sad, curious, but accepting way. “Okay,” he says under his breath. Then, quietly again — “Are you alright, Baek? You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I’m totally fine, Jongdae,” Baekhyun insists, setting his glasses back in place on his face and running a hand through his scruffed-up hair. “Don’t forget to eat.”

Jongdae smiles thinly at him. “I won’t. Don’t read more _Frostbyte_ without me.”

Baekhyun manages a smile as well, tossing a pillow at Jongdae.

“No promises.”

The walk home is a bit of a lonely one. It’s not as if he’s never walked home alone before. It just seems quieter around here on this particular evening. Then again, maybe that’s just Baekhyun’s mood projecting onto the environment around him.

It’s never really hurt this much. He isn’t even quite sure why it’s changed like this all of a sudden. Maybe because he’s as close as he’s ever been. Maybe it’s because he just isn’t sure what to do. He feels like he should tell him, like he owes it to him, because Jongdae trusted him as well. But Baekhyun… Baekhyun has another secret that comes along with his sexuality, and it isn’t that simple.

He feels like the more time he spends with Jongdae, the more the knife in his heart is going to twist, the deeper it’s going to go until it’s left to bleed out on its own. And yet, if he could change his heart, he wouldn’t. Even if loving him is hard, even if he must love him quietly, it’s still _love_ and it’s still thrilling, intoxicating, filling up his lungs with an excitement that is incomparable to anything else. It still makes him float, makes him feel like he’s weightless.

Loving Jongdae, he thinks, is a privilege. And even if it hurts, he really wouldn’t trade it for the world. He just wishes he knew how to love him right. Maybe then, it would be easier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday’s group session took place at the local arcade, being the majority vote. Kyungsoo and Joohyun questioned why it was an option in the first place. Baekhyun argued that the stimulation of the mind via video games could help them focus better, and well, with three to two votes, it looked like they were going to get nothing done today.

“We’ve worked pretty hard this past week anyway,” Chanyeol says as he pushes open the door to the arcade, immersing them in a world of neon flashing lights and colors. “We deserve a little break.”

“I guess you’re right,” Kyungsoo says. Baekhyun chuckles lowly at Kyungsoo’s quick change of heart, clearly swayed by the entrancing lights. They’ll do that to a person.

“Hey, Jongdae,” Chanyeol says, “come on over here. Let me show you what I was talking about the other day.”

With a nod, Jongdae follows him through the room as they weave through the throng of people. They don’t look back at Baekhyun or the rest of them.

“I’m gonna skee-ball,” Kyungsoo says, disappearing among the crowd as well. Joohyun, however, looks out of place, fidgeting with her fingers.

“C’mon, Joohyun,” Baekhyun says, attempting to distract himself before something dark can take hold of his heart. “I’ll show you how to play _Metroid_. I think you’ll like it.”

Half an hour later, Joohyun has become thoroughly attached to the _Metroid_ machine, Kyungsoo’s migrating from machine to machine, and Chanyeol and Jongdae are still huddled together over by _Contra_.

And Baekhyun? He lingers by _Gauntlet_ , his attention wavering back to Chanyeol and Jongdae every few minutes. He tries — he really does — to focus on his game, but that ugly, gross feeling in his chest makes a return every time his eyes glaze over Chanyeol and Jongdae once more.

 _Why?_ He’s never been like this. They’ve been friends with Chanyeol for a while now, and it’s not like Baekhyun’s just _barely_ come to terms with his feelings for Jongdae. He’s known of them for just as long as they’ve known Chanyeol.

The only thing that’s changed is that damn mixtape.

Baekhyun grumbles as he loses all his lives yet again. The words _Game Over_ flash up at him mockingly, the white against black blinding.

He’s being ridiculous. Stupid. An idiot. He would kick his own ass if he could. It’s not like he’s jealous, really. It’s not like he feels Jongdae needs to be over here spending time with him.

It just...hurts. The possibility. That Jongdae could potentially, possibly, maybe...like Chanyeol.

He _knows_ he’s being stupid, and that’s why he _would_ kick his own ass if he could, but at the same time… It’s not like it was something he can just stop feeling. That sharp little pang in his chest. Because the only thing he’s ever wanted was Jongdae’s happiness; he never sought out for anything more.

And yet… his heart still yearns. Still hurts.

And it isn’t anything he can help, really.

“What’s with you?”

He lifts his head to see Kyungsoo at his left, starting up the machine besides Baekhyun’s.

“What do you mean?” Baekhyun asks, even if he is clearly in a mood judging just from the dull and drab tone in his voice.

“You’re...moping,” Kyungsoo says. “You’re mope-y.”

Baekhyun frowns even further. “I am not.”

“You most definitely are.”

“I lost my game, see?” Baekhyun gestures to the screen.

Kyungsoo merely snorts. “Sure, Byun.”

Baekhyun is a terrible liar, but he’s only glad Kyungsoo doesn’t push it.

“Hey,” he says. “Wanna play skee-ball? Loser does the summary for chapter nine..”

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes behind his glasses, raising a thick brow and all, before ultimately agreeing. To Baekhyun’s delight. He is undoubtedly going to lose, but he’ll do whatever it took to take his mind off certain matters of the heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_  
Baekhyun pouts at the screen, at the game over flashing before him. He debates putting in some more change, before deciding to move on to something else. He knows when he should stop._

_“You need to be faster.”_

_Baekhyun turns at the sudden voice. Behind him, over his shoulder, he finds none other than Kim Jongdae._

__Kim Jongdae?_ He was in his English and Physical Science classes at school. A funny kid, clever, a little loud. Baekhyun knew he liked comics, heard him talking about a few of his favorites with their classmates. He even saw him sneak them in the class. He was pretty bold. _

_He was also a massive source of confusion for Baekhyun. When he walked through the door on the first day of class, Baekhyun’s eyes drew towards him naturally. He walked with confidence, with charm. He knew, immediately, that he wanted to be his friend._

_It never really happened though. They’ve talked maybe once or twice. There just wasn’t an opportunity to get to know him._

_And the confusion? It derives from the fact that Baekhyun’s thought about him in ways that surpass the meaning of friendship. It comes from the fact that Baekhyun’s found himself staring at him when he’s laughing, when the corners of his lips turn up and it takes his breath away. When he’s sleeping in class, hair hanging over his face._

_“Faster?” Baekhyun asks._

_“Look at the edge of the screen so you know when the bullets are coming,” Jongdae says, approaching. “That way you have more time to react by the time they get to you.”_

_He inserts some change into the machine and gestures for Baekhyun to go ahead. He does, nervously, suddenly aware that Jongdae’s about to watch him lose for the 500th time, because no amount of strategy is going to get Baekhyun past this._

_And he’s right. The twinkling noise of death rings before him mockingly once more, and he throws his arms up in defeat._

_“I suck at this,” Baekhyun says._

_“Hm, yeah, you do,” Jongdae says, laughing, and Baekhyun gapes, because he’d wanted comfort, not concurrence._

_“I bet I can beat you at skee-ball,” Baekhyun says, and Jongdae looks surprised at the challenge._

_“You’re on.”  
_

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s only a few days after the arcade when Baekhyun decides that he needs to tell _someone_.

And that someone?

“Hey, you wanted the strawberry shake, right?”

“Yeah," Baekhyun responds.

No one else but a veteran in the love and dating department, his dear older sister.

“He’ll have the strawberry shake,” she tells the waitress. “And I’ll have the, ah… Can I just get a cheeseburger?”

The waitress takes note of their order before sauntering off down the aisle, her glum expression and lack of response a clear indicator of how much she absolutely enjoyed her job here at the diner.

“So,” Yoona says, folding her hands onto the table. “You wanted to talk?”

“I did,” Baekhyun says, clearing his throat. “But we can, uh… We can wait for our food.”

Yoona narrows her eyes at him, seeing right through him. “I don’t want to be giving life advice when I’ve got cheese hanging from my teeth now. What’s up, Baek?”

“How would you know I’m here for life advice,” Baekhyun grumbles.

“Why else would you want to come here with me? And you’re being awfully defensive and seem keen on putting off talking for as long as possible so obviously it’s something that you might not want to talk about on a typical basis.”

Damn, she’s good.

“Okay,” Baekhyun says, dropping the act and running his fingers through his hair. The diner was empty today, just two other people at a booth all the way at the other end of the diner. A senior couple. They look sweet.

“It’s about Jongdae,” Baekhyun says.

“Jongdae,” Yoona repeats. “Are you guys cool?”

“Yeah, yeah, we are. For the most part. But I… god, how do I even start this—”

Baekhyun struggles for words. Maybe he should have thought this through a little better. Coming out to your sister probably requires way more planning than Baekhyun initially gave it, but then again, he was never quite as practical as everyone else.

Oh, and of course, telling her he’s in love with his best friend. Had to tell her that too. Great.

“Are you blushing?” Yoona asks, a grin growing on her face.

It takes Baekhyun so off guard that he has to turn away when he feels his face heat up even more.

“What do you like him or something?” Yoona says, laughing it off.

There really is nothing he would like more than for the sky to swallow him up, right now, because his heart is pounding, thundering, his skin crawling with heat. He’s being too obvious, isn’t he?

She didn’t mean it, when she asked. Baekhyun could tell it was a joke. Just a joke, upon seeing him blush. But soon, Yoona smile is dropping, and Baekhyun feels his own heart drop at whatever might come next.

He definitely was being too obvious.

Yoona blinks in realization when she sees the way Baekhyun fumbles with his fingers, the way he avoids her gaze anxiously. She’s stunned into silence for several seconds.

“Oh,” she says softly. “Oh, my god, I’m sorry, Baekhyun, I didn’t realize…”

Baekhyun shuts his eyes. Definitely far too unprepared for this.

“I would have never said that if I actually knew—”

“No, it’s fine,” Baekhyun says, waving a hand in what he hopes is dismissing. “I was — I was actually going to tell you. Today. Right now.”

“I feel like such an asshole,” she says, running a hand through her hair as she carefully glances up at Baekhyun. “I really am sorry, Baekhyun. I didn’t mean to make it seem like liking Jongdae was a bad thing. It’s not. It isn’t. I know that probably sounds like bullshit, but I mean it. The teasing was from a big sister standpoint, not a prejudiced standpoint. You know that, right?”

“Of course, Yoona,” Baekhyun says. “It’s fine, really. You’re actually the first person to ever know.”

Her eyes widen. “Ever?”

Baekhyun nods, managing a smile. It’s going better than he expected, oddly.

“Well, I’m really glad then. If it were anyone else, I would want them to tell you this too.”

“Tell me what?”

She smiles. The kind of smile that reaches her eyes, that makes them shine. “That it’s okay, Baekhyun,” she says. “It’s okay.”

It’s merely two words, but that’s all it takes for Baekhyun to feel something pricking in his eyes. Feel a weight lifted from his shoulders. Feel like he can breathe.

“Thank you,” he says. “I think I needed to hear that.”

He chuckles a little at the mere fact that he’s tearing, wiping at them quickly before they can fall. Yoona watches him with fond eyes, that same soft smile on her face.

“So,” she says. “Jongdae, huh?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun laughs. “I can’t believe I fell for that asshole.”

Yoona chuckles, laugh twinkling through the diner. “Hey, Jongdae’s an awesome guy. You guys are practically made for each other.

At this, Baekhyun’s shoulders slump, smile falling from his face. “Yoona,” he says. “How can you tell if someone likes you?”

She purses her lips thoughtfully, eyes glazed. “Well,” she starts. “It’s complicated. Love, I mean. Everyone is going to show it in different ways. In my own experience, the most important thing I’ve learned is that, if you’re making each other happy, it’s pretty much the best way of making sure you both feel the same way about each other. Other than, you know, asking them.”

“Jongdae is always saying these things that make me think, you know, maybe he could possibly... “ Baekhyun shakes his head, scowling at himself. “It’s dumb. Never mind. He can’t.”

“And why can’t he?” Yoona asks. “I think it’s perfectly justifiable for him to like you.”

Baekhyun’s lip quirks up, and he shakes his head again, eyes cast down at the sleek surface of the table. “Thanks, sis,” he says, before remembering something and dropping his smile suddenly, feeling a knot form in his gut again. “There’s just one problem.”

Yoona tilts her head, waiting.

“I just… I think there may be a chance Jongdae likes someone else. Chanyeol. Do you remember him?”

“Park Chanyeol?” Yoona asks, raising a brow. “Yeah. Football jock. But a huge ass nerd too. You think Jongdae likes him?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. I could be overthinking it. On second thought, I most definitely am overthinking it. I just. I can’t help it. He — he made him a mixtape before he ever made me one, and I… Okay, trust me, I know how that sounds. I’m not that shallow, but man, these kind of things, they… They get into your head. Like, you know, maybe there isn’t a certain kind of smile Jongdae reserves just for me after all. Maybe I’m just...delusional. Wouldn’t be hard to believe.”

“Now that’s bullshit if I ever heard it,” Yoona says. “Jongdae adores you. That much is clear. I don’t know if he likes you like that, but I know he loves you, Baekhyun. A lot.”

“Baekhyun cannot think of anything to say to that. He manages a smile in gratitude, but keeps his head down regretfully, gaze glued to the table.

“I’m sorry you’ve been going through this alone, Baek,” Yoona says, more relaxed now. Empathetic .”I wish I was there for you earlier.”

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters,” Baekhyun assures. “I’m just glad I have someone to talk to about Jongdae now.”

Yoona’s eyes turn distant as she glances over to her left, outside the window. Her brows scrunch and her eyes narrow. “Isn’t that Jongdae there?”

“Hm?”

Baekhyun looks over his shoulder, just where Yoona is looking out the window, and spots — just as she claimed — Jongdae, walking along the side of the street.

With Park Chanyeol at his side. They’re laughing, walking awfully close together. Listening to Jongdae’s walkman. The sight makes Baekhyun’s heart drop deep into the pit of his stomach.

“It doesn’t mean anything, Baekhyun,” he hears Yoona say. “They’re just walking down the street.”

“No, no, I know,” Baekhyun mutters, but his heart tells him he thinks differently. “I just… Yeah, I know.”

He turns back around, tries to shake it off. God, he was never like this before. He could handle his feelings just fine, but now? Now it was like they were trying to claw their way out of his chest after being forcibly caged for so long.

Baekhyun doesn’t even have to look at Yoona to know she’s shooting him her trademark look of sympathy - head tilted, mouth pursed, eyes worried. She reaches over eventually to put her hand over Baekhyun’s on the table, patting it twice in comfort.

“Don’t overthink it,” she says quietly. “Or, you know… You could talk to him about it.”

“Talk to him,” Baekhyun mutters, scoffing lightly. “That’s funny.”

“I’m serious, Baekhyun,” Yoona says. “Just talk to him. Stop torturing yourself. Ask if he’s into Chanyeol. But you have to do it gently. Don’t spring it up on him or he might take it the wrong way.”

“Ask him,” Baekhyun repeats, yet again, musing over it. It would certainly make things easier to get a straight answer. The thing is, he fears the answer as well.

He feels ridiculous. Like he’s in middle school again, with a dumb shallow crush.

But this wasn’t a dumb shallow crush. It was his best friend.

“I’ll ask him.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a lot harder than Baekhyun thought.

There are times between them — comfortable, silent periods — when Baekhyun wants to bring it up, to ask Jongdae. The words are there, on the tip of his tongue, but the fear caught up in Baekhyun’s throat stops them from tumbling out. And by the time Baekhyun manages to gather enough courage to finally ask, Jongdae is starting up a conversation about something entirely different, or Chanyeol arrives and tells some story. And Baekhyun? Baekhyun must play along like he isn’t slowly burning from the inside out.

Their phone calls are lackluster as well these days, and that is something that Baekhyun regrets. It’s almost like he can feel their bond loosening, even if that’s ridiculous. A little disconnection wouldn’t separate them.

Of course, there was that one time Baekhyun called, only to hear Chanyeol on the other line. Chanyeol claimed he was there to help Jongdae with his math homework, since they had the same period.

When Baekhyun hung up, he was left to wonder when the hell they started to hang out so much.

Baekhyun’s defining flaw, in his opinion, is how he tends to see the smallest of things as more than what it really is. He _looks_ for more, overthinks it to the point where it’s only hurting himself.

Just like when Jongdae told him he can read on in _Frostbyte_ without having to wait for him. Since when did Jongdae not care about that? He always wanted them on the same page; it was always their thing. And now?

On top of all of this, he still needs to ask him if he has feelings for Chanyeol, like he promised his sister. It might hurt. But it’ll help in the whole _moving on and getting the fuck over your best friend_ process.

And he does try to ask, but as always, in the last minute, he is changing his mind.

_”Hey, Jongdae.”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Can I ask you something?”_

_“Yeah, of course.”_

He would pause. Think over the words he wanted to say. Feel that terrifying lurch in his chest again. God, he was a coward.

_”Uh. What do you think of this sweater?”_

_“It, uh, looks great, Baek.”_

Outstanding.

The urge to kick his own ass has never been stronger.

It makes him even more awkward around Jongdae as well, like he’s stepping on glass. The odd looks Jongdae shoots him every now and then are obvious, just as obvious as Baekhyun undoubtedly is.

It frustrates him to the point where he sort of just wants to. Give up. Let things run its course, see what happens.

And he nearly does, too. Until, one night, when Chanyeol invites them to his friends’ bonfire.

It takes place on the overlook at the edge of town. The drive there is a little lengthy, considering it’s higher up near the mountains. Baekhyun doesn’t mind all that much though, because Jongdae picks him and Kyungsoo up, and they have a good time getting up there.

By the time they get there, there’s a good crowd of people lingering around the area. It’s an open space, made of dust and dirt, several hundred yards away from the edge of the overlook. It was popular amongst the town folk for its stunning view of the sunset.

The stack of wood in the center of it all looks promising. Chanyeol greets them as they clamber out of the truck, Joohyun following closely behind him.

Throughout the early evening, they only socialize for the most part, music crooning softly from a stereo someone’s brought. There’s some questionable drinks being passed around too, but Baekhyun declines on account of not wanting to accidentally stumble off the cliff.

He talks to Kyungsoo, mainly. It isn’t that he is an outcast in any way; Baekhyun knows many of the people who are present and is good friends with a decent amount of them. Kyungsoo is simply just easiest to talk to, because he doesn’t expect much.

His eyes scan the crowd for Jongdae when Chanyeol begins to work on the bonfire just as the sun starts to set. He can’t seem to find him anywhere, not amongst the crowd, not sitting on one of the logs.

That is, until he spots the truck near the overlook, further away from the rest of the crowd. He sees a figure sitting on the back, facing the view alone. Without hesitation, Baekhyun tells Kyungsoo he’ll be back, and makes his way towards Jongdae.

He approaches him, leaning against the truck.

“What’s up?” Baekhyun asks.

Jongdae registers his presence like he was in the middle of a deep thought, turning to him with slightly widened eyes before he relaxes again. He smiles lopsidedly, gesturing to the view.

“Watching the sunset,” he says. “Wanna join?”

Baekhyun hops up besides him with ease. He hasn’t done this in some time, hasn’t come out to the overlook at all. He should do it more often. It’s beautiful up here, the oranges and yellows of the sunset casted onto the town. It looks like it’s glowing, like a lightbulb, or a firefly.

Jongdae’s unusually quiet, though Baekhyun figured that from just the fact that he was over here by himself. He loved meeting new people, typically. Loved socializing, because it came easy to him. To find him over here alone was just a tad odd.

He’s got this strange look on his face. It’s loose, it’s relaxed, but at the same time, there’s more to it than would be obvious upon first sight. There’s a melancholy to it, as his eyes glaze over the horizon.

“You alright?” Baekhyun asks.

“Yeah,” Jongdae answers after some time. “Just been thinking about a lot of stuff.”

It’s a bit cold tonight, the chilly air passing over them in waves. “What kind of stuff?”

Jongdae presses his lips together before blowing air through them. “I don’t know, Baekhyun. _Life?_ The future? Everything?”

“You want to talk about it?”

He hums. “More than anything,” he says. “But I can’t.”

“Sure you can,” Baekhyun says. “I’m all ears.”

Jongdae chuckles, but it lacks humor. He drops his gaze, shaking his head. “I really can’t, Baekhyun. Not to you.”

“Not to me?” Baekhyun repeats, more to himself. It stung a little, those words.

“Look, I just mean…” Jongdae sighs, unable to complete his sentence. Baekhyun turns away from him to focus on the sunset again, the way it lowers into the horizon.

Jongdae’s quiet still, and Baekhyun assumes he doesn’t mean to finish his sentence.

He does end up speaking again, but it’s not anything Baekhyun expects. “Have you ever felt so _strongly_ about something...that it hurts? Like, it _physically_ hurts.”

Jongdae looks him straight in the eyes as he asks, throat bobbing. He rubs at his upper arm too, and he’s constantly fidgeting.

So _strongly_ about something that it hurts? That might as well have been the title of his autobiography for the past few years. He debates on what to say, but decides that even if he is honest, Jongdae wouldn’t know what it is in relation to.

“Yeah, I have,” Baekhyun murmurs. “Why?”

Jongdae looks away finally, shutting his eyes. “I don’t know, I just... I hate this so much.”

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says. “It’s hard to help you when I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Jongdae huffs out a laugh, humorless again. “Forget it, Baek. It’s not important.”

The regretful look on his face. The taut way his lips pull down. His _refusal_ to tell Baekhyun.

And suddenly, Baekhyun understands. It _clicks_.

All the well thought-out, meticulous speeches and ways of asking go straight out the window when Baekhyun speaks.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, a little quiet. “Do you like Chanyeol?”

Jongdae raises his head, looks Baekhyun straight in the eye. “What?”

“Do — do you like Chanyeol?” Baekhyun repeats. He regrets it immediately, wishes he could take it back, because he doesn’t think he’s prepared for the answer.

He had to ask. He had to ask, has to know how to make him feel better. Jongdae’s hurting, and Baekhyun knows that feeling all too well. Even if it _kills_ him, Baekhyun would rather put his heart on the line then to watch Jongdae hurt.

But Jongdae merely blinks at him. Baekhyun’s breath catches in his throat. He can figure what’s coming next.

“Why would you think that?” Jongdae says, brows furrowing.

“I—” Baekhyun stutters. “I see the way you are with him, and what you were talking about just now—”

“Just because I like guys doesn’t mean I like every guy I come into contact with, you know,” Jongdae mumbles, rigid.

And Baekhyun’s heart immediately drops. That isn’t what he had meant.

“I know,” Baekhyun says, urgently. “It’s — it’s not that I think that…”

Jongdae is patient with him, as he always is. “Did you think that before I told you I was gay?”

“No, but—”

“I don’t like him,” Jongdae says, looking him straight in the eye. “Not in any way more than a friend.”

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, and feels a whole new kind of dread engulf him. “I just see the way you are with him, and I…”

Jongdae blinks again at him, the furrow in his brow deepening. “If you didn’t think anything of it before, why does it matter now?”

“Jongdae, I…”

“I’m with him like how I’m with you, Baekhyun. He’s just my friend.”

_Just my friend._

_Like how I’m with you_.

“Right,” Baekhyun mumbles, mouth suddenly tasting sour. “I’m sorry. I was being dumb.”

Jongdae breathes out, a heavy sigh, before turning away. His face relaxes upon Baekhyun’s apology, but he still looks unsettled.

“It’s okay,” Jongdae says. “I can’t blame you. I guess it might take some time getting used to.”

“It...really isn’t because of that, I promise,” Baekhyun insists. “Really. I’m just looking too much into it.”

It’s hard to tell whether or not Jongdae believes him. He’s still got that melancholic look on his face, and he fumbles with his fingers. He wants to say something now, Baekhyun can tell.

He doesn’t, not for a while anyway. The sun is more than halfway down, night coming upon them. It’s nearly dark now, and the crowd behind them is getting excited. Baekhyun focuses only on Jongdae, though. His heart beats steadily.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae starts. His tone is low and unsure, afraid. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? With — with me?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, man,” Jongdae says, now running a hand through his hair. He looks even _more_ stressed now, and Baekhyun’s heart stings upon realizing it’s probably his fault. “I’m starting to think that maybe you aren’t really alright with me being...you know, gay.”

“ _What?_ Why would you think that?”

“You’ve been acting so weird lately. Am I imagining it? I really don’t think I am. You’re distant, Baek. And it all started when I — when I came out to you.”

Baekhyun feels like exploding, because he’s _got it all wrong_. “Oh my god, Jongdae — no, I am not secretly holding some kind of prejudice against you. I told you I was alright with it and I meant it.”

“But there’s gotta be some part of you that’s weirded out by it, right? Otherwise, why have you been so weird with me lately?”

Baekhyun gulps, pulse racing. “Jongdae…”

Jongdae looks only at him, waiting for an answer. He can’t stand this. Can’t stand keeping secrets from Jongdae, can’t stand Jongdae being upset at him or frustrated with him, can’t stand Jongdae hurting _because_ of him. It shouldn’t be like that. He should only ever be making him smile, laugh.

He definitely cannot stand having Jongdae think Baekhyun _is prejudiced_ against him or something. Far from it. If only he goddamn knew.

 _If only he knew_.

No, Baekhyun thinks, he can’t.

He can’t do this.

But the look in Jongdae’s eyes. The longer Baekhyun looks into them, the more pain he sees there. Jongdae genuinely seems to believe Baekhyun has held a grudge against him for this long. God, he couldn’t be more wrong.

“Tell me,” Jongdae says. “Tell me why you’ve been like this.”

Baekhyun holds back still. It’s on the tip of his tongue. God knows how cowardly he’s been, how fickle and how completely _foolish_.

And yet, he thinks. He thinks he has to.

“As your best friend,” Jongdae says, “and someone who cares about you, it hurts me to know there is something bothering you. Something...hurting you, possibly, and that I can’t do anything about it. I will always be here for you, Baek. You don’t have to tell me, alright. I get that. I do. Just know that you don’t have to hide it from me either.”

And Baekhyun decides. _Yeah. Alright. Let’s go for it._

“I like you.”

It’s kind of surreal. The second the words come out.

“I like you, Jongdae,” he says, softer now, head ducked so that Jongdae can’t see the embarrassment painted in his cheeks. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth.

It’s agonizing, waiting for a response. What is he thinking? What is going through his mind? Baekhyun can’t bring himself to meet his gaze, can’t even bring himself to lift his head and look at him. With every passing second, with every beat of silence, his heart pounds faster, and faster, and faster.

Then.

“Don’t mock me, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun looks up to see Jongdae with his brows drawn together again. Lips pulled down, taut. A clear vexation in his eyes.

“Jongdae?”

“Don’t,” Jongdae says, shaking his head, closing his eyes and lowering his gaze. “Don’t… Don’t mock me.”

“What—?”

“I get it, alright? I’m a weirdo to you. Told you I’m gay and now you’re afraid I…”

He trails off, looking away as his throat bobs. The flames of the bonfire yards away cast an orange glow onto his face, onto his frown. It highlights the hurt in his eyes.

“Jongdae, what are you _talking about_ —”

“Did Chanyeol tell you?” Jongdae interrupts, frantic. “I’m so stupid.”

“Did Chanyeol— what?”

“It’s getting dark” Jongdae murmurs, shaking his head and leaping off the truck. “I’m gonna head home. Get Joohyun to send you home or something. Don’t walk home alone, alright? I’ll see you later.”

Baekhyun panics. Every part of him is screaming. Every part of him is burning, looking for an answer to what is happening. He reaches forward, wraps nimble fingers around Jongdae’s elbow. “Hey, wait a minute—”

“Stop,” Jongdae demands, wrenching his arm from Baekhyun’s grasp. The icy look he shoots Baekhyun’s way sends a sharp pang through his heart as he climbs into the driver’s seat of his truck, leaving Baekhyun with no choice but to hop off the back.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says frantically as he rounds the vehicle, pacing up to the driver’s window. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I did, Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, turning on the engine. “I did the most I could to tell you. But as usual, you’re either oblivious as hell or simply just. Don’t care.”

“That isn’t fair,” Baekhyun says.

“I gotta go,” Jongdae says. “Don’t call me. My mom’s been complaining about the phone bill.”

Baekhyun’s left to do nothing but watch as Jongdae drives away, dust following the truck as he rounds around the bonfire. He waves briefly at Chanyeol, who whoops back. Then, the crowd notices Baekhyun standing alone, and they call him over with excited cheers.

Baekhyun, however, can only feel dread well up slowly into his system.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He slams the door a little too hard when he gets home, Joohyun having dropped him off. His mother, perched on the couch, asks him how the bonfire was, but is ignored when Baekhyun brushes past her to pace up the stairs.

He isn’t upset at anyone in particular. If you didn’t count himself, that is. He is simply...irritated at the way these things always seem to turn out for him. He had a _plan_. He had the words, the proper questions. But, in the heat of the moment, the wrong words came tumbling out.

He confessed. He said, to Jongdae, in front of his face — _I like you_.

 _Don’t mock me, Baekhyun_.

Baekhyun buries his face into his blankets as he flops onto his bed, screaming into it at the mere recollection of the memory. God, it’s as if everything that could have went wrong, decided it was going to go wrong. Everything happened too fast for Baekhyun to even make sense of things, and before he even knew what was going on, Jongdae had already been storming off.

He did debate, briefly, stopping by Jongdae’s house on the way home, but after everything that had happened, after asking if he liked Chanyeol _and_ confessing to him in the same conversation, he didn’t feel up for it. He’s sure Jongdae wouldn’t have been either.

That really happened. He really said it. _I like you_.

And Jongdae, what, didn’t believe him? Thought he was mocking him? Baekhyun is getting a headache the more he thinks about it. If only he knew how completely smitten with him Baekhyun was.

If only he knew how long he’d been so stupidly in love with him.

There’s a knock on his bedroom door just as Baekhyun wraps himself around a pillow. He muffles into it as a sort of response.

The door squeaks open, but Baekhyun doesn’t lift his head. Just listens for a voice.

“Baek?” calls his sister. “Mom said you seemed upset about something.”

Baekhyun groans into his pillow, entirely incomprehensible.

“Are you alright?”

“No,” he mutters, lifting his head just slightly. “I did everything you told me not to.”

“What do you mean?” Yoona asks, furrowing her brows.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun explains in one word, and that’s enough for her to understand — it seems — as she sighs and takes a seat at the edge of his bed.

“What happened?’

“I asked him about Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says dejectedly, cheek pressed against his blankets, “and it went downhill from there.”

“Oh, Baekhyun,” she says. “Don’t blame yourself for the way it happened.”

“It is my fault, though,” Baekhyun says. “I got...stupidly jealous and upset and said things I didn’t mean, and — I just. I did it all wrong. I told him I liked him, you know that?”

“What?”

“Yeah. That. That was not how I ever wanted to do it.”

Yoona sighs and leans back on her palms. Probably thinking about what an airhead her brother is. Baekhyun is certainly thinking that, and more.

“All I can tell you, Baek, is that, I know that you’ll get past this,” Yoona says.

“Me and Jongdae?”

“No,” she says. “I mean, you. I don’t know if Jongdae will. I don’t know him as well as I know you. But I know you will get past this. And that’s what’s most important, anyway. You are, alright? So you’ve got to stop thinking of yourself as one half of that friendship.”

“One half?” Baekhyun asks, sitting up curiously.

“I know it probably isn’t what you want to hear,” she says. “I know you probably want advice on how to fix this thing. Just, focus on yourself for a while — just a bit — maybe things might work out in the end. The thing is, you’ve seen yourself as nothing but this attachment to Jongdae for so long that you’ve kind of lost yourself in it all. I’m not saying that you’ve changed into a completely different person, I’m just saying that you need to think of yourself outside of your relationship with Jongdae. Do you understand?”

Baekhyun’s hard gaze stays casted at the ground, mind boggled. It’s always been _him and Jongdae_.

“I‘m just helping you to remember that you’re way, way more than this,” Yoona says. “Don’t let it break you.”

But maybe that’s where the problem lie. Not in the Jongdae part, but in the _always_ part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next day at school, Baekhyun makes a beeline immediately for Jongdae’s locker once he arrives. To his relief, Jongdae’s there, storing books into his backpack.

Despite the dirty looks passing students shoot him as he makes his way towards him, Baekhyun makes it to him before he can leave for his first class of the day. He stands before him expectantly.

“Can we talk?”

“I’m late for class,” Jongdae says.

“Bull, classes don’t start for another fifteen minutes. And you’ve never cared before about getting there on time.”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, firm now as he closes his locker with more force than necessary. “Being around you is difficult right now, alright?”

Baekhyun blinks, affronted. “What do you mean by that?”

Nothing but a huff from Jongdae. It sounds all sorts of frustrated. “I need to go,” he says, not even sparing him another glance. Soon enough, Baekhyun’s left standing in the middle of a sea of students, watching as Jongdae walks away from him yet again.

The crack in his heart lengthens, and the feeling of utter dread expands until he can feel it in every nerve, every bone in his body.

Yoona’s words don’t really begin to make proper sense until Baekhyun starts spending some time alone. He doesn’t really have a choice when Jongdae is skirting around him like he’s some kind of virus.

His schoolwork gets done on time, remarkably. He spends more time at home now as well, cleaning his mess of a room when he can and running errands for his mother.

And Jongdae. Well.

He’s tried to call him, but without fail, it’s only one of his parents that pick up the phone, and when he requests to talk to Jongdae, they always say he is sleeping. Baekhyun can always hear Jongdae in the back anyway. _Tell him I’m sleeping._

At lunch, Baekhyun sits with Joohyun and Kyungsoo out of his own accord, if just to leave Jongdae be for the time being. He likes them, enjoys their company. Joohyun is popular, however, and has many other friends, so she does sit with them on some days. Baekhyun doesn’t mind, though. Kyungsoo may seem quiet, but he’s actually quite conversational when they’re talking about something he’s passionate about, like movies or singing. And on the days when Joohyun does sit with them, despite the odd looks her other friends give her, they never run out of things to talk about, laughter abound. Baekhyun feels light, like he can forget Jongdae and Chanyeol are just across the cafeteria.

There are reminders, though. Joohyun and Kyungsoo are still friends with Jongdae and Chanyeol, of course. One day, Joohyun sits down with Baekhyun at lunch, a cassette tape in her hands. Baekhyun eyes it curiously, about to ask her what it is, until he pieces it all together within the next second. It’s Jongdae’s brand of cassette.

It only makes him feel even more ridiculous for overthinking the incident with Chanyeol’s mixtape.

He’s really been an ass, hasn’t he?

It gets a bit lonely, reading _Frostbyte_ alone. He’s nearly finished, too. His pulse thrums with every punch, with every _wham_ and _pow_ spread across the pages of the few final issues.

He finishes _Frostbyte_ at two in the morning on a Sunday, and promptly slams the last comic shut and tosses it aside. _That ending!_ He wanted to rip his hair out. It was, perhaps, the cheapest ending he has ever had the misfortune to read. Hell, he could write better than that. _Waking up from a dream?_ Baekhyun had to reread it several times to make sure he read it correctly.

He wants to call Jongdae. Wants to know his opinion. Wants to vent about having wasted all that time, but well, it was two in the morning. Not to mention, Jongdae seemed as if he didn’t want anything to do with Baekhyun at the moment.

God, this was hard.

What, then? Is he supposed to wait until Jongdae is ready to let him talk? Should he pull Jongdae aside at school, where he can’t avoid him? That’s unfair, trapping him like that. But it was also unfair of Jongdae to assume things. As if Baekhyun could ever mock him in that hurtful manner. Did he not have more faith in him?

Then again. Baekhyun has been lacking in his best friend duties as of late. Jongdae was right. He’d been behaving oddly since he came out to him, but that was because of his own internal battles. He hadn’t even realize it’d been projecting onto his behavior. But it _had_ , because for god’s sake — Baekhyun should have been there for him. Jongdae opened up to him, shared with him a very deep, personal piece of his heart, and Baekhyun disappeared on him.

It makes more sense now. He’s never felt more disgusting.

He said he’d be by his side, that his happiness is all he’d ever need, that his feelings for him would always come second, and that Jongdae himself would be priority. Where has that mindset been all this time?

Maybe Yoona was a little wrong too. Maybe Baekhyun has really only been thinking of himself these past few weeks.

 _Now_ he has never wanted to kick his own ass more. As his ignorance grows, so does this tremendous urge to shove his own foot up his ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun becomes accustomed to walking home alone. It really isn’t lonely once he gets used to it. He actually sort of likes the alone time, the peace. The only thing that wasn’t quite as favorable was the wind. It was nearing winter now, and the weather was getting cooler. and the days were getting shorter.

A white car pulls up alongside him as he walks. He eyes it suspiciously, before recognizing it as Bae Joohyun’s car.

She rolls her window down halfway. “Baekhyun!” she calls.

“What are you doing, Joohyun?”

“Well, hello to you too,” she says sourly. “Get in the car.”

Baekhyun merely blinks. “What?”

“I’ll drop you off at home. I just wanted to talk to you for a bit.”

Baekhyun considers it for a moment, before figuring it wouldn’t hurt. The car is heated, probably, but Joohyun’s house is all the way on the other side of town, so wouldn’t that make it rougher for her?

He clambers into the passenger seat anyway, buckling himself as Joohyun speeds up a bit.

“I wanted to check on you,” Joohyun says. “See if you were okay. You looked a little, uh… down.”

“I’m fine, Joohyun,” he insists.

“Don’t look fine to me,” Joohyun murmurs. “I know you’ve had this, like...weird thing going on with Jongdae and all, and I thought, I don’t know, maybe you need some company.”

Baekhyun purses his lips. “I’ve been doing pretty okay on my own, actually.”

“Okay, well, I also wanted to tell you something,” she says. “I don’t… I don’t know what exactly went down with you and Jongdae but I — I have a gut feeling. If I happen to be wrong, please don’t be offended.”

“Gut feeling?” Baekhyun asks, scrutinizing her as they pull into his driveway. She sighs, and sets the car in park. Stares straight ahead.

“I’ll start with this, I guess,” she says quietly. “I kind of. Understand.”

“What?”

She looks at him now. “I understand, Baekhyun. Your situation.”

“You don’t even know what happened between us, Joohyun,” Baekhyun says, getting mildly irritated by how vague she’s being. He grabs his backpack and gets out of the car, shutting the door with a little more force than necessary. Maybe she was just here to get the gossip.

Before Baekhyun can turn to walk up the path, he spots the exasperated look she sends his way, eyes rolling and sighing heavily. Then, as he nears the porch, he hears another car door shut as Joohyun stands in the driveway.

“Baekhyun,” she calls out. “I’m gay.”

This makes him stop, makes him freeze. Eyes widening. Shoulders stiffening. He turns to gape at her and how she fidgets with her pink, flowing skirt, how she looks at him expectantly.

He wonders if he’s heard her right. “What?”

“You heard me,” she says, very matter-of-factly. “I’m gay. I like girls. I’m a lesbian.”

“What… Really?”

She nods, approaching him. “Yep. In fact, before I knew your name, I just referred to you in my head as ‘the brother of the really hot girl’.”

“ _What?_ You have a crush on my big sister?”

Joohyun chuckles, her smile somewhat smug. ”She was pretty much the cause of my sexual awakening.”

Baekhyun’s eyes widen, and he runs a hand through his hair. He’s stressed, suddenly. “Oh wow, that was something I did not need to know.”

“Don’t be homophobic, Baekhyun.”

“You know that’s not why I—” he stops when he sees the teasing grin on Joohyun’s face, rolling his eyes and shoving her lightly. Trying to take it all in, he drops his backpack to the pavement and slowly seats himself on the porch step. Joohyun joins him soon enough.

“So…” he starts. “Gay, huh?”

“Yep,” she says. “I’m out, too. Kind of. To my parents, I mean. And my closer friends. To the people that matter,” she says, smiling pointedly at Baekhyun. “So… Please, trust me when I say I do understand. You’re not alone. Because I was there too.”

“Okay, but,” Baekhyun murmurs, then very, very quietly, “—how did you even know?”

She snorts, like it’s obvious. “The looks you give Jongdae are _not_ friendly looks, Baekhyun. I’m sure everyone else sees it as platonic because they’re too heterosexual and close-minded to think it could possibly be anything else. But I, your fellow gay, am too smart to miss it. Sorry, by the way. To spring it up on you like that. I know it probably wasn’t the best way to do it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Baekhyun waves off. “Maybe you can tell me how to get myself out of this mess.”

She laughs again, soft and sweet. “I can try to help you but I can’t promise I’ll get you out of your mess. Have you talked to him?”

“I’ve tried. He won’t answer my phone calls.”

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun says, dropping her head. “That’s got to suck,”

Baekhyun only hums in response, because yeah, it kind of does.

“I’m bisexual,” Baekhyun mutters. “Just. So you know.”

“Cool,” Joohyun says nonchalantly. “Does Jongdae know?”

“You know what? I’m not entirely sure,” Baekhyun chuckles. “I actually — I told him, you know. That I liked him, that day we fought. But he was all like… _don’t mock me, Baekhyun…_ Whatever that means.”

And without warning, Joohyun smacks him on the arm.

“Ow,” Baekhyun mutters.

“ _Whatever that means?”_ she says, voice raised in complete disbelief. “You’re a fucking idiot, Byun! That means he likes you, dweeb. He was immediately on the defense, thought you were making fun of him. Thought maybe you found out he liked you somehow and was teasing him. Beause you guys are always doing dumb things like that, teasing each other over stupid stuff. He was hurt because he thought you were using it against him.”

Baekhyun rubs at his arm sorely, taking a second to process her words. “...What?”

“Airheads,” Joohyun says. “You know how hard it is for me to find another lesbian around here, much less one that actually likes me? You’ve got someone right besides you for two years and you both don’t even realize. What are you waiting for?”

“I… Really?” Baekhyun blinks at her, still a little confused.

“ _Go_ to him, for god’s sake.”

“But he won’t — he won’t believe me.”

“Well, you’ll just have to make him believe, won’t you? God, for a guy in love, you sure are quick to give up.”

“Okay, but—”

“I’m going to kick your ass if you don’t get over there right now.”

Baekhyun feels a sense of urgency in his veins now, his heart beating faster at the opportunity before him, at Joohyun’s words. Still. That sense of doubt lingers, like it always will.

“Are you sure he likes me?” Baekhyun asks quietly, under his breath.

At this, Joohyun’s eyes soften, and she sighs, folding her hands together. “Honestly? Realistically speaking, you can never be completely sure about these kinds of things. But I mean. What’s the point if you don’t try?”

“I did try,” Baekhyun points out.

She gives him a stern look now, mouth pulled taut. “Baekhyun,” she says, tone heavy. “Try _harder_.”

Baekhyun gulps, looking away. Straight ahead. “Harder,” he says. Right.

He stands now. Fists clenched. He can do this. He can. Joohyun’s right. He let Jongdae slip out of his palms so easily last time, let him leave like that, and he didn’t even make an effort to try afterwards, besides the phone calls, but what will phone calls do?

Just as he’s ready to leave for Jongdae’s, the front door to his house is swinging open, and then his sister is stepping out.

“Hey,” she says, “I thought I saw you out here. Phone for you.”

Joohyun groans at the irony, and Baekhyun feels a little cut off short from the fire that had just been running in his blood, but nonetheless, he leaves to get the phone. And he definitely doesn’t miss the little wave Joohyun gives his sister as she retreats back into the house as well.

“Hello?” he says into the phone once he’s inside.

“Baekhyun!”

He blinks, registering Chanyeol’s gruff voice.

“Chanyeol?”

“Hey, where are you?”

“Home, obviously,” Baekhyun says. “Where are you?”

“Come by the diner,” Chanyeol says, disregarding Baekhyun’s question. “It’s urgent.”

Baekhyun means to respond, to ask why, what’s going on, but then he hears some commotion in the background, fuzzy and faint.

 _“Chanyeol—”_ calls a distant voice, instantly recognizable. Jongdae.

But it’s different. It’s low and shameful, and followed by the words that twist a knife in Baekhyun’s heart — _“Don’t call Baekhyun.”_

“Well, too late for that, buddy,” Chanyeol says back to him.

“What’s going on there, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks, cold concern frosting around his heart like ice.

“Jongdae is…” a pause, “in a bit of trouble, that’s all. I need you to pick him up as I get things settled here.”

There’s another voice there too that Baekhyun didn’t register before. It was also instantly recognizable, but not exactly as favorable.

_“Come on, coward, get off the phone.”_

“Shut up, scumbag,” Chanyeol calls back to someone again. “Hey, someone stop him will ya?! What are you all just standing around for, for god’s sake!”

“Chanyeol, what in the world is happening?”

“Just come get Jongdae, Baek,” Chanyeol says. “I’ll explain later, promise. I have to, uh, settle this.”

“Chan—”

The phone clicks with a deafening finality, and Baekhyun huffs, slamming it back onto the receiver.

“Is everything alright?” Joohyun asks from the front door.

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Baekhyun says, heart racing. “Wouldn’t mind driving me to the diner, would you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a block away from the diner, Baekhyun already feels bad vibes settle deep into his bones. He can see a group of people filtering out through the main entrance, Yubin — the diner owner — ushering them out waving their nosy eyes away as they try to take a peek back into the diner. It doesn’t make Baekhyun relax.

“What is going on?” Joohyun asks, parking half a block away. Baekhyun merely shakes his head, hurrying to climb out of the car.

He jogs to get ahead, Joohyun following close behind. “Yubin!” he calls. “What’s happening?”

“Oh, Baekhyun,” she says, putting her hands on her hips. There’s frosting on her hands as she does so, thought she doesn’t seem to mind. “Chanyeol said you’d come. Jongdae’s inside.”

Then, suddenly, through the front door bursts two figures. One is Chanyeol, who’s holding the other’s arms behind his back as he ushers him out of the diner.

And the other is the Asshole himself. He’s got what seems to be... pie on his face, and he’s struggling in Chanyeol’s hold, grumbling.

“I don’t want to see you around here again, do you here?” Chanyeol says, and Asshole nods begrudgingly as he releases him with force. “You and your friends.”

As the audience that’s gathered begins to scatter, Asshole glances over and meets Baekhyun’s eyes.

“Come to save your boyfriend, Byun?” he spits, pie flying from his mouth.

“Shut up,” Chanyeol threatens. “Want another pie to the face?”

Asshole shoots another menacing look Baekhyun’s way before straightening his shirt and stalking off down the street, goonies following closely behind. Ass.

“Where’s Jongdae, is he alright?” Baekhyun asks. Chanyeol looks a mess — frosting all over his hands, something like ice cream on his arms with a smear across his face as well.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s fine. Just, uh… Well, you’ll see,” Chanyeol says, waving them inside the diner.

And there, in the booth in the corner — their booth — sits Jongdae, head down, hands folded quietly in his lap, and ice cream dripping from the top of his head, down his forehead, neck, shoulders and onto the table. The tiled floor and leather seats beneath him are splattered with the same ice cream.

“He hasn’t moved since,” Chanyeol says. “Or...talked, really. Didn’t even try to fight back.”

A sharp pang shoots through Baekhyun’s chest as the scene plays out in his head, as he tries to imagine how Jongdae felt. He doesn’t have all the details yet, but that can come later.

His priority is Jongdae.

Jongdae still does not move when Baekhyun approaches him, kneeling besides him to try to meet his eyes. There’s nothing there, no hint of recognition or emotion. No light, not even a sort of sadness.

“Jongdae, Baekhyun says softly, placing his hand on the other’s knee. “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”

His throat bobs. His eyes blink. But that’s all he gives him.

“Jongdae, you can’t stay here,” Baekhyun says.

It hurts, Baekhyun thinks, to be here in front of him and to be dismissed, ignored. But, it can’t possibly compare to what Jongdae is feeling in this moment.

Baekhyun drops his gaze, unsure what to do, how to make him cooperate.

Then, he thinks, Jongdae must be humiliated, certainly. But that can’t be the only reason he is like this.

It’s time for Baekhyun to stop being afraid.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” Baekhyun says. “I’m — I’m not just talking about _this_ , I’m talking about since you told me your secret. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most, and I wasn’t here for you now, and I...I hate myself for not being there, when I told myself that’s all I ever wanted to be, that that’s all I ever needed to be. By your side. And I couldn’t even do that. I’m so sorry, Jongdae.”

It takes a few seconds of silence again. But Baekhyun holds on. Waits. Begs for him to look at him.

And he does, eventually. He blinks, and raises his head, and meets his eyes. There’s _emotion_ there again, and god, he’s never been so happy to have Jongdae look at him.

“Can we clean you up?” Baekhyun murmurs, and _finally_ , Jongdae slowly raises himself from the booth, the ice cream bowl clattering to the ground. He allows himself to quietly be led by Baekhyun by the elbow to the diner’s bathroom, brushing past Chanyeol and Joohyun. Other than them, the diner is empty.

The door swings shut behind them, and they are alone. Baekhyun gestures for Jongdae to take a seat on the counter, and he does, pulling himself up besides the sinks.

Wetting a paper towel, Baekhyun brings it up to Jongdae’s forehead. It’s a little awkward, this tension between them after having been away from each other for perhaps the longest time since they’ve become friends.

He works quietly, assuming Jongdae isn’t up for conversation right now. He came in here with him though, so that is progress. It strikes Baekhyun just now that Chanyeol called _him_ to get Jongdae, even despite the fact that they were not on the best of terms. Maybe it means something. Maybe Jongdae doesn’t hate him all that much. Chanyeol would know, wouldn’t he?

Along with the tension of not having seen each other for a while, there is another kind of tension between them as well. It’s different, and it makes Baekhyun’s skin tingle. It derives from the fact that they are so close, that the sheer action of Baekhyun carefully cleaning Jongdae, wiping his skin clear — it’s awfully intimate, in a way. Especially when they meet eyes for a brief second. Jongdae’s always the first to look away.

One by one, the paper towels fill up the trash bin as Jongdae’s face clears up of the ice cream. His hair, however, will have to be taken care of later. He still avoids eye contact as best as he can, keeping his head ducked and gaze averted.

“Will you look at me please?” Baekhyun says. “I have to get the gunk off your chin too.”

Jongdae seems resistant at first, the stubborn ass, but eventually lifts his head. His eyes, however, remain downcasted. Baekhyun sighs, but wipes at his chin anyway.

“I’ll kick all of their asses,” Baekhyun says.

“Don’t,” Jongdae murmurs, finally. “You’ll just get hurt.”

“Are you saying I’m weak?”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, no hesitation.

He purses his lips. At least he’s talking to him.

Baekhyun tries his best to get as much ice cream off of his t-shirt as he can. He cannot do anything about the stains, however. He wipes at his arms, hands, around his fingers, where the ice cream’s made his skin go sticky. Jongdae’s fingers in his is a foreign feeling but it makes Baekhyun’s skin buzz.

“I meant what I said,” Baekhyun says. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I… I got caught up in my own feelings and was being selfish.”

Jongdae doesn’t respond to him, doesn’t even give a hint that shows he acknowledged him. Baekhyun goes on anyway, because he has a lot to say.

“You misunderstood me,” Baekhyun says softly. “The other day. You misunderstood me and didn’t give me the chance to explain. You took off and didn’t answer any of my calls.”

“The phone bill,” Jongdae mutters.

“Yeah, okay,” Baekhyun says. “That’s not the point. You assumed I was mocking you, or making a joke out of you, but god, that is...that is so far from the truth.”

Jongdae glances up at him, for the first time in a while. His eyes are sad, so unlike the usual brightness that Baekhyun is so accustomed to. The world might as well have flipped upside down.

“The truth,” Jongdae repeats softly, like a question, but not quite.

And so, Baekhyun sighs, dropping his hand and the napkin. He didn’t imagine he’d do this in a diner bathroom and while Jongdae was covered in rocky road ice cream, but well, now’s as good a time as any, he supposes.

“I love you,” he says, his gaze unwavering from Jongdae’s own, heart thrumming quietly, but powerfully. “I’ve loved you for so long now,”

Jongdae’s face is unreadable. There’s _something_ there in his eyes, Baekhyun cannot tell what it is.

“Will you believe me if I start from the beginning?”

Jongdae doesn’t say anything still, just drops his gaze to the sleek floor. That, Baekhyun takes as a go, so he throws his current paper towel into the bin and leans back against the counter, folding his arms. Maybe it’ll be easier to do this if he can’t see Jongdae, if he pretends Jongdae isn’t there and he is telling this to the toilets in the stalls instead.

“The first day of high school,” he starts, “when I saw you walk into that classroom, I was immediately drawn to you. I didn’t know why, then. There was just this pull. As the days went on, I wanted to be your friend more and more because we had so much in common. I tried to convince myself it was just that. Just friendship. Platonic admiration. And then, one day...like, a year later, I think—you talked to me, and we clicked so well, and before I knew it, you were my closest friend. But then, the more I got to know you, the more I started to realize that maybe it wasn’t entirely platonic at all, and god, that scared the shit out of me.”

He can’t help but smile a little at the memory of little fifteen year old Baekhyun being completely confused and conflicted over what his feelings for his friend meant. He wishes he could tell him it’ll be alright.

“And well,” Baekhyun continues, “I realized over time that it’s kind of impossible to not fall in love with you. You are so...so _easy_ to love, so easy to fall for. You have no idea what you do to me, Jongdae. I thought, you know, it can’t be normal that you make my heart beat so fast when you’re around. It can’t be normal that I want to hold my best friend’s hand, or call him mine, or…” Baekhyun swallows nervously,”—kiss him.”

Baekhyun’s chest hurts a little. He’s much too aware of Jongdae’s presence besides him.

“I kind of suppressed it then. I knew what it was, eventually. I knew what it all meant. But I also knew you could never know, that I would never tell you, and I was honestly fine with just keeping it to myself and living solely as your best friend and doing whatever I can to make sure you’re happy. That was enough for me.

“ _Until_ ,” Baekhyun says, sighing heavily, “you came out to me. Your confession shattered all of my resolve to keep it a secret, because it flared some kind of hope within me. It made me think that we — you and I — could maybe, possibly happen, but at the same time I didn’t want to take the chance of telling you and ruining everything we have. So, I’m sorry that I behaved weirdly after that. You needed a friend more than ever and I wasn’t there, so, I’m sorry. Really. I know I fucked up. But please, please know that it was _never_ because I had some kind of prejudice against you. Quite the opposite, actually.”

Only then does Baekhyun let himself look at Jongdae again, but nothing’s really changed about him. His eyes appear more thoughtful, and there’s a bit of a wrinkle between his brows. Baekhyun wishes he could just smooth it out with his finger, but that may be pushing it.

Then, he talks.

“Since...since we met?” Jongdae asks. He sounds meek, small, his voice a little whimper of hope. It makes Baekhyun chuckle.

“Definitely,” he says. “Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I acted on it right away. If I asked you out then. I wanted to, for sure. I was confused, but I knew — above all — that I wanted to. I _still_ know that that’s all I want to do.”

Jongdae’s throat bobs, and his eyes are flickering all over Baekhyun’s face. “You weren’t teasing me?”

“I know I tease you a lot, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says. “But I would never tease you about something like that. I meant it. All of it. You have no idea how much I’ve agonized over this these past few years. I tried so hard to shove it away, but you make it really damn hard to do that when you’re being so… _you_.”

A smile plays at Jongdae’s lips. It’s maybe the most beautiful thing Baekhyun’s ever seen.

“So _me?_ ” Jongdae asks.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun laughs. “When you’re being playfully mean, it was almost like you were...flirting with me. Then the next second, you’re back to your kind, caring self. It was like whiplash, but a good kind.” They share a laugh, Baekhyun feeling like he’s weightless. “And then, there’s also that soft little undertone to your voice that...you only seem to use when you’re with me.”

“I thought you didn’t notice,” Jongdae murmurs, smile still faint on his face. “I thought I was just. An idiot, for trying to make you see these things, that you were just oblivious or that you knew but you were...trying to just, let me down easy.”

“ _Hell_ no,” Baekhyun says. “I thought _I_ was just looking into it too much.”

“Nope,” Jongdae says. “I was definitely flirting.”

Well, if that isn’t a pick-up line if Baekhyun’s ever heard one.

It makes him redden a bit, his sudden confidence fading as he shrinks into himself. Perhaps he wasn’t ready for this, ready for Jongdae being so forward with him. It’s almost like he needs a bit of time to come to terms with the fact that, yes, Jongdae _likes him_.

“I’m sorry I assumed things before,” Jongdae says. “I just… I immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion, because the thought of you, liking me back? That was — that was a scenario I had never even imagined. Because what were the odds of my best friend liking me too? Not great, in my eyes. The idea that you could ever like me back was...unbelievable.

Baekhyun gapes at him. God, if only he knew.

“Are you kidding me? _Of course_ , I’m fucking in love with you, have you _seen_ you? Have you _spent_ five minutes with yourself? Personally, I find it a little ridiculous that not everyone in the goddamn world is in love with you.”

“Doesn’t that just mean more for you?” Jongdae laughs.

“Are you flirting with me, Kim?” Baekhyun says, although he reddens once more.

“By god, he finally realizes,” Jongdae says, hopping off the counter. “I should shower.”

“We can head to your place,” Baekhyun says. “It’s closer. Not sure how Joohyun would feel with you sitting in her car all...ice cream’d up, but, well…”

“She’ll be fine,” Jongdae grins at Baekhyun, before heading to leave the bathroom. Baekhyun lingers, something heavy in his gut.

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun calls, just before he can leave.

“Hm?”

Baekhyun fidgets under his curious, waiting gaze. “What does this mean for us?”

Jongdae blinks at him, and purses his lips thoughtfully. “Well, what do you want it to mean?”

Baekhyun gulps again. How does he put this? “Well, I mean, if...if we both — a consenting… if we both, uh….”

Jongdae chuckles, eyes crinkling, and geez, it’s a goddamn sight for sore eyes. “We should do this when I’m not dripping in rocky road in a diner bathroom.”

“Right,” Baekhyun says, standing tall. “Right. No rush.”

Jongdae smiles at him again, but a lot more tender. He holds out his hand expectantly. Baekhyun eyes it in amusement before smiling as well, and taking it, allowing himself to be led back out to meet with their friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As it turns out, Jongdae had been spending so much time with Chanyeol because he had entrusted him with an important piece of information that he felt he couldn’t tell anyone else — not even his best friend.

That he was kind of, sort of, in love with said best friend.

“And Joohyun knew about you?” Jongdae asks, running a towel through his hair. He’s just gotten out of the shower, the smell of chocolate gone and lilac having taken its place.

Joohyun looks smug, smiling and twirling her skirt from where she stands by Jongdae’s couch..

“She did,” Baekhyun says. “At the last minute, though.”

“Not true!” Joohyun says, her smug grin falling into a frown. “I knew all along. I just didn’t tell you I knew.”

“I knew about none of you so you can all shut up,” Kyungsoo says from his place on the couch. He’d arrived shortly after Chanyeol called him over, feeling as if they were missing him. His surprise upon finding out the reason behind Baekhyun and Jongdae’s falling out was priceless.

They laugh at his response, but Kyungsoo merely sticks a tongue out at them.

“Isn’t it fate,” Chanyeol says, “that you guys should come together the day before the first dance of the year?”

Baekhyun shares a look with Jongdae, sure that the latter is remembering the time they talked about it. It seems like so long ago.

“I asked Jongdae a while ago, actually,” Baekhyun says. “He didn’t want to go.”

“I did say that,” Jongdae says, “but only because I couldn’t imagine going with you and then...not being able to dance with you.”

And Baekhyun gets it. All those romance movies. What they mean by butterflies in the stomach, or seeing fireworks.

“So I’ll say this,” Jongdae says. “I will go. If you dance with me.”

Besides Baekhyun, Joohyun clutches her heart, her face looking as if she was going to burst into tears just from watching this unfold.

And Baekhyun, well, he can’t stop the smile from blooming onto his face so wide, so shamelessly. “Neither of us can dance,” he says.

Jongdae shrugs, eyes soft. “I feel like we can make it work.”

“And what will everyone else think when we’re out there dancing together?”

“They don’t matter,” Jongdae says. “Let them think whatever. They’ll be right, anyways. As long as I’m with you.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says. “Plus, they’re scared of me, remember? I’m on the football team so they think I can beat them up.”

“But instead, the most you’ll give them is a pie to the face,” Joohyun says.

Chanyeol shrugs modestly. “They don’t need to know that.”

“And I was their ex-friend,” Kyungsoo says. “They won’t mess with you knowing I’m around to beat their ass if they do.”

“Well,” Joohyun says, shuffling her feet. “I’m pretty sure they aren’t scared of _me_ , but I will also, uh, beat their ass, if need be.”

They share a laugh at that, as Baekhyun decides that...yeah, they have really good friends. It makes sense that they would, considering they found each other in the first place.

“Alright,” Baekhyun says. “Let’s go to the dance then.”

Jongdae smiles in victory, wrapping the towel around his neck. They are on opposite sides of the room, but Baekhyun can still feel the familiar buzz of electricity between them. It’s exhilarating.

As the evening goes on, they leave Jongdae’s home one by one. Joohyun leaves to work on her homework, Kyungsoo leaves to help his mother with dinner, and Chanyeol has a party to attend. Baekhyun, on account of being a license-less, car-less coward who will not walk home in the dark, must leave with Chanyeol as well, who offered to drop him off.

“Hey. wait, Baek—?” Jongdae stops them before they leave. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

Chanyeol gives them one last knowing, suggestive look as he leaves them alone and goes to sit in his car. Baekhyun turns to Jongdae, who has a strange glint in his eye.

“What do you want to talk about?” he asks, a little nervous.

“Well, it’s more like give you something? Come up here,” he says, before leading Baekhyun up the stairs and into his room. “I can’t believe I finally get to get this shit out of my room.”

Baekhyun laughs. “What?”

Once they’re there, Jongdae moves towards his bed and begins digging around under the bed, apparently searching for something. He finds it eventually, pulling out from under his bed — a shoebox.

“Here you are,” he says, handing it to Baekhyun. It’s heavier than it looks.

“What is this?” Baekhyun asks.

On top of the box, written in messy black marker, is a simple _Baekhyun_.

“Just look inside,” Jongdae says.

And so he does, lifting the lid off the box only to come face to face with a bunch of…

“Cassette tapes?”

“I’m sorry I took so long with your mixtape,” Jongdae murmurs. “I know it was important to you, and I know it seemed like I prioritized people over you, but that was never the case, because -- “

“Jongdae,” Baekhyun says. “I was joking about all that, you know?”

Well, half-joking, Baekhyun thinks. He was only teasing at first, but as usual, the teasing ironically revealed what he had really felt beneath the thinly veiled humor, which was simply _hurt_. Hurt at the fact that it seemed he had been prioritized over, that he meant less to the other than they did to him.

But mostly joking.

“No, I know,” Jongdae says. “Still. Don’t get the wrong idea. I wanted to make you the best one actually, but I was unsatisfied with all of them. They had to be perfect. Also...uh...I wanted...to confess to you in this way, so there are a bunch of messages on there from me being awkward as hell. Trying to tell you that I like you. But they never worked out, or I was too scared, so I threw them in here.”

Baekhyun drops his gaze to the box again, and realizes just now how full it is. To the brim, really.

“This is, uh,” Baekhyun mutters, “a lot of attempts.”

Jongdae’s chuckle is self-demeaning, more of a scoff at himself. “You should have seen how nervous I was every time I was recording. It was honestly… Well, you can listen to the tapes and see for yourself. Just not when I’m around. Please. I might die of mortification. Again.”

Baekhyun smiles at him, soft and perhaps a little smug. “Again?”

“It’s not easy trying to confess, alright?”

“Don’t I know that all too well,” Baekhyun mumbles before quickly evading Jongdae’s half-hearted punch to the arm.

“Go home, punk,” Jongdae says, though the curl of his lips and the light tone in his voice vastly contrasts his choice of words. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night,” Baekhyun repeats. His heart does a little dance in his chest.

“And listen to the tapes tonight,” Jongdae says, guiding him back down to the first landing. “I want you to hear them before we go tomorrow.”

“Did you think I was going to sleep without listening to them?” Baekhyun asks, like he’s insane. “You got me all curious now.”

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Jongdae says. “Now go!”

“Should I be offended at how much you want me to leave?” Baekhyun says as Jongdae opens the front door.

“It’s only because I want to go to sleep so tomorrow night can come faster,” Jongdae grins, leaving Baekhyun flustered. “Plus, Chanyeol’s like a puppy. You can’t leave him in a car alone for too long,”

Baekhyun chuckles, because it’s true. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“I’ll pick you up,” Jongdae beams. “Be ready at six.”

It’s not like Jongdae’s never said those kind of words to Baekhyun before, but it’s different in this context. It’s why he can’t stop smiling, too.

“Oh, wait,” Baekhyun says as he remembers something last minute, just before he turns to leave. “Did you finish _Frostbyte?_ ”

“Yep.”

“The ending…”

“Two words,” Jongdae says, leaning against the door frame and holding up two fingers as he counts. “Fucking. Disappointing.”

Baekhyun laughs into the night, grinning. God, he loves him.

That night, Baekhyun steals his sister’s stereo and sets it up in his room, right by his bed. The tapes aren’t numbered or put in order in any way, so Baekhyun plays a guessing game by randomly choosing the first one he sees, and setting it in the stereo.

He turns it on. Lowers the volume. Braces himself.

_”What’s up, Baek! Finally got your mixtape here! I hope you like it. Really, I hope you do. It’s important to me that you do, that’s why it’s taken so long. You have a great taste in music, man. Similar to my taste. That’s why it’s great.”_

Baekhyun merely rolls his eyes.

_“You know, this isn’t the first tape I made you… I keep chickening out. Who knows if this one will even make it to you. Maybe it’ll collect dust like the other ones too. Maybe I’ll just have a growing collection of mixtapes that I’ve never given to you until we’re thirty.”_

Well, they’re not thirty, but it _is_ an impressive collection of cassette tapes.

_”This is really hard, Baekhyun. How do you tell your best friend that you’re sort of in love with him? Oh, well, I guess that was one way, haha.”_

And so, one by one, Baekhyun goes through the tapes.

_“Hi, Baekhyunnie. It’s me, your best friend. Ah, you’ve wanted a mixtape for so long and I’m finally going to provide! Sorry for the wait. I had to make sure it was perfect for you. You understand, right? I know you do. That’s why you’re awesome._

_“I wanted to tell you something too. Is it okay if I do it here? I think it’s less scary to tell you here than in person. I’m a rock when it comes to horror movies but a coward when it comes to things like this. So, here it is. I like you, Baekhyun. Well, love you, really. Sorry. Is that too much? I like you a lot. I’ve liked you since I first saw you. I like your laugh, I like the way your cheeks round out when you’re happily eating. I feel so proud to be your best friend, like, I don’t know, like I struck gold. You mean so much to me, you know that, right? Even if you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. I think I just want you to know how much you mean to me and I want to make sure you know that I’m always going to be by your side, no matter what._

_“Ugh...fuck. This is too cheesy, isn’t it? Damn it, I have to do it over. Sorry, Baek. You can wait a little longer for that mixtape, right? Don’t think anything of it when I only give Chanyeol’s his tomorrow. You’re still number one in my heart, haha. Damn it. I have to stop that. I’m gross. Anyway.... Bye. “_

And one by one, he feels his heart expand a little more with each one.

_”Ugh...attempt number, what, 300? Ah, attempt number 13! I was only two hundred and eighty seven off! Feels like 300 though… Thirteen times... geez, Jongdae, get it right. Why can’t I be as romantic as those guys on tv, huh? They make it look so easy but it’s the most terrifying thing in the world. Anyway! Off to a bad start. Hi, Baekhyun! It’s Jongdae, but you probably knew that. Hey, what if I just cut to the chase? Will that make it easier? What’s up, Baekhyun, here’s your mixtape, I’m in love with you, see ya. Haha. It did come out easier but I still feel nervous. Well, this clearly won’t work. Attempt number fourteen, here we go… I guess. I’m just wasting tapes at this point.”_

And by the time he’s gone through all of them, he’s crumpled into a ball on the floor by his bed, arms wrapped around his legs. There’s too many feelings within him to make sense of right now.

Jongdae was a _massive dork._ That much had always been clear to Baekhyun. Jongdae was awkward, nerdy, clumsy, sweet, endearing, kind, thoughtful… Where was he going with this again?

And suddenly, Baekhyun is upset. At himself, mostly. They’ve wasted so much time, spent all these years secretly yearning for each other, having to go through trials of jealousy and pain when they could have had it all so much quicker.

However. At the same time, Baekhyun is glad for this. He is glad for this path, for the road they took instead, glad to have learned what it meant to be away from him. He is glad, for he feels now, because of these experiences, he can love him, and love him right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like a reflex, really. See Jongdae. Take him into his arms.

They’ve never hugged before, he thinks. That’s a line they haven’t crossed. Sure, guy friends hug all the time. The thing is though, with them, they were always a little more than friends and a hug would dare to cross over into that territory for them. The other would be able to feel the rapid heartbeat, and well, it’d be all too obvious.

So, Baekhyun throws his arms around Jongdae upon opening his front door and presses his face into his neck, closing his eyes and breathing him in. If there was ever a barrier between them before, those tapes destroyed it within the span of one night.

And to feel Jongdae’s arms come up to wrap around him too, well, it’s not far off from the best feeling in the world. He feels like his chest can relax, like he doesn’t have to hold his breath around this man anymore. Like he can love as hard and as much as he wants to, and it’s liberating.

And all before he can even say hello.

“You’re such a fucking dork,” Baekhyun murmurs into his suit, into his shoulder. Jongdae’s chuckle is deep and amused, and it drives Baekhyun crazy.

“Is this about the—”

“The tapes,” Baekhyun says. “God, if you gave them to me earlier, you would have saved us both a lot of heartache.”

“They’re _embarrassing_.”

“Yeah, they kinda are,” Baekhyun says, pulling away but letting his hands linger, “but that’s why they’re perfect. You must really be in love with me, huh?”

Jongdae chuckles. “More than you know.”

The teasing grin on Baekhyun’s face mellows into a more tender one. Damn him. He may have been a huge dork, but always knew the right things to say to get Baekhyun all ruffled.

“You look really good,” Jongdae says, offering his hand once they part.

And Baekhyun, being the flustery mess he is, reddens. “You do, too.”

He lets Jongdae take his hand, and lets him guide him.

The entire car ride over to the school, Baekhyun can’t stop smiling like an absolute _idiot_. He feels a little smug, really. Stupidly smug. But _happy_ , mostly, especially when he looks to his left to see Jongdae smile back at him.

The minute they step into the dance, Baekhyun feels a heavy apprehension well up into him, the smugness gone immediately. There are a _lot_ of people here. For the first five or so minutes, he follows Jongdae around mostly, lingering around the juice table. The crowds of people out there dancing is a tad intimidating.

Eventually, they meet with Chanyeol and the others, and it’s only then they’re encouraged to go out and actually, well, dance.

“It’s a pretty fast song, though,” Baekhyun says, looking for any reason to prolong it as much as possible. Fate seems to work against him, because within the next minute, the song ends, and on comes a much slower-paced song.

“Well, there you go, lads,” Kyungsoo says, grinning.

Baekhyun, anxious, switches his gaze to Jongdae, who just looks at him with a comforting smile.

“You ready?” he asks.

The fear that settles itself like a block of lead right in Baekhyun’s gut is almost enough to make him change his mind, make him swivel on his heel and walk right out.

It doesn’t stay for very long, because Jongdae’s taking his hand, his nimble fingers weaving with his own. And he’s smiling at him, curled lips as beautiful as ever, and Baekhyun remembers why he fell in love in the first place. Not that he forgot. He could never forget.

What he does forget, is the fear that disintegrates upon Jongdae’s soft gaze, soft touch, soft tone. He has nothing to be afraid of. And he isn’t, not anymore. Jongdae’s right besides him.

And his friends are right over there to kick some ass if they need to.

So he smiles back, something fluttering in his stomach as Jongdae pulls him out onto the floor. He feels like he’s in a dream, in some way. He’s at a _dance_ with _Jongdae_.

Finally, under the shimmering lights of the gymnasium, Jongdae faces Baekhyun, pulling him close. Baekhyun is taken so off guard that his breath hitches, and that fluttery feeling is back soon enough. His skin tingles everywhere Jongdae is touching him — his hand, his waist.

And this? This moment. This _second_ right here where Jongdae brings his hooded gaze to Baekhyun, where Baekhyun lifts his head at just the right time, and they’re the closest they’ve ever been.

God, it’s overwhelming. There’s so many things running through Baekhyun’s head, and he can’t figure out any one of them. Jongdae is _breathtaking_ , and when their eyes meet, Baekhyun feels a chill run throughout his body. The music playing, the atmosphere, the darkened room lit only by the beaming lights; he is so in love, it _hurts_ , it’s _immense_ , it overwhelms his entire being.

And it’s enlightening. It’s thrilling, it makes his heart race, pulse beat faster, it’s _exciting_. It’s cold and hot at the same time, it’s a sweltering summer night and a cool autumn evening,

Then Jongdae is beaming at him again, his expression so gentle it makes Baekhyun want to melt.

“I can lead if you want,” Jongdae says.

“Good, because I have no idea what I’m doing,” Baekhyun says. Jongdae snickers, taking him by the hand again. Baekhyun feels a little on show, a little exposed, because hell, just two days ago, Baekhyun was still trying to get over all of the mess he’d created. And now, he was dancing with Jongdae in a crowded gymnasium under cheap decorations and lighting.

Neither of them are very good at this dancing thing, they quickly learn. There are moments when someone accidentally steps on someone’s toe, or they might come close to bumping into another couple on the floor. The fact that they laugh it off is the best part, completely floored by how _bad_ they are.

Eventually, they keep a steady pattern. Backwards. Forwards. Side to side. It feels like actual _dancing_ eventually, like Baekhyun is being glided across the floor. There are times when Baekhyun feels lightheaded, where he’ll look at Jongdae, who will look back at him with a somewhat smug look — like he _knows_ what he’s doing to Baekhyun, like he _knows_ Baekhyun is a little sheepish about this whole thing, about his face being so close to Jongdae’s that their noses almost touch.

And the mood settles again soon enough. The song, slow and romantic, doesn’t help Baekhyun relax. Jongdae certainly doesn’t either, that playful — yet tender — glint in his eyes.

He begins snickering a bit, like he can’t contain his laughter.

“What is it?” Baekhyun asks.

“I just...” Jongdae snickers some more. “Remember when we used to make fun of _lame couples_ who went to dances?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says, grinning. “We thought we were so edgy. Fun-hating jerks.”

Jongdae laughs, eyes crinkling, and Baekhyun falls a little more in love. “Well. Now we’re the lame couple.

 _Couple._ Baekhyun’s pining little heart wails.

“I suppose we are,” Baekhyun says, but gentle, smiling a bit. “I hope some sophomore nerds take a look at us and think about how gross we are. Only then will we have truly made it.”

“Character development!” Jongdae says, a little too excited.

“Definitely a better plot twist than _Frostbyte_ ,” Baekhyun says.

“We do not speak of that name,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun chuckles.

Jongdae beams, proud that he’d made Baekhyun laugh again as his eyes go tender once more. The soft glow of the disco ball hits Jongdae’s face in ways that make it seem like he’s sparkling, like he’s radiating. He’s always been breathtaking, but there is something about him now that has Baekhyun feeling lightheaded. And yet, it steadies him at the same time.

And he thinks to himself, how lucky he is.

“I like you so much, Kim Jongdae,” he mutters.

Jongdae’s face softens even further, his smile brightening. “Well, I love you, so top that one, Byun.”

“Please,” Baekhyun says. “I’ve been pining after you relentlessly for two years and you have the nerve to challenge me?”

“I made you an entire box of mixtapes, ass.”

Baekhyun grins at that. “You got me beat on that, I guess. You’ve spoiled me.”

“I think it’s only fair after torturing you and leaving you hanging for so long.”

“You make some good points, Kim,” Baekhyun says, the smile never leaving his face. His cheeks actually _hurt_ from smiling so hard. “But really. I am so glad I have you.”

“I’m glad too,” Jongdae says. “You’re my favorite person in the world, Baekhyunnie,”

And so that night, Baekhyun pays no mind to the whispers around them, the rumors that are floating around the gymnasium. He only allows himself to get lost in his best friend’s eyes, get lost in the music, in this feeling that wells up so immensely in him. He only stays around his friends, laughing with them, dancing with them too when faster paced songs come on. If people will say bad things about him, so be it. He knows he’s happy, he knows who matters, he knows he is living the best life he possibly can, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a few more dances, Baekhyun and Jongdae have excused themselves, telling their friends they were tired and needed some space away from the crowd. The suggestive looks they all shot at each other, and then at Baekhyun, were not subtle, and had Baekhyun flushing, quickly ushering Jongdae out. That is _not_ why they wanted to leave, alright?

It was chilly out tonight. Baekhyun would be bothered, usually, having such thin skin, but he was momentarily distracted by the stunning array of stars that scattered across the night sky. He laid besides Jongdae, in the back of his father's truck in the school parking lot, their arms an inch away from each other. Baekhyun could swear he felt a buzz of electricity between them.

The only noise to be heard was the faint sound of music coming from the school gymnasium. Jongdae had his arm behind his head, eyes closed, like he was taking in the cool night air. Baekhyun is suddenly thrown back to that sweltering summer night, the one where he realized he had deeper feelings for Jongdae than he initially realized.

Except it wasn't summer, it was a breezy late fall. But still, like that summer, his feelings seemed to parallel the night. Like the bubbling new warmth of his heart that night a year ago, he now felt cooled. Chilled. Relaxed.

Still very much in love, of course.

Their ties are loosened, suit jackets thrown somewhere. Legs thrown over each other’s. The hard surface of the truck’s bed beneath him is uncomfortable, but besides Jongdae, Baekhyun’s never felt more at home.

"We have the greatest friends," Baekhyun murmurs, thinking back to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, and Joohyun's words of comfort. He's sure they wouldn't have even made it here were it not for them.

He watches as the corners of Jongdae's lips turn up. "The best," he says softly, before throwing his arm down and opening his eyes. "Hey. Is it just me or do you think there's something between Joohyun and Chanyeol?"

"Joohyun and Chanyeol?" Baekhyun nearly chokes, but recovers quickly and pretends to think on it. "Nah, I, uh… definitely don't think so."

"Hm," Jongdae says. "Maybe I'm looking into it too much."

"Why do we assume everyone's in love with Chanyeol?" Baekhyun laughs.

Jongdae chuckles softly, and Baekhyun melts into it. "He's a loveable guy."

Baekhyun laughs, before shrugging. “I prefer Kyungsoo.”

“Should I be worried about him then?”

The look Baekhyun shoots Jongdae is one of disbelief and mere _Are you kidding me?_

“Right. You, the guy I’ve been in love with for two years, need to feel threatened by the guy I met two months ago.”

“I see how it is now.”

“Shut the hell up, Jongdae.”

He roars in laughter, nudging Baekhyun playfully before scooting closer and - alarmingly - nestling his head into Baekhyun’s neck. He shuffles around a bit to get comfortable.

“It’s so easy to fluster you.”

“I’m not flustered,” Baekhyun has the nerve to say, even as he shivers from Jongdae’s hot breath on his neck.

"Really?” Jongdae says, like it’s a challenge. “So tell me more about this list of things you want to do with me then.”

Baekhyun reddens. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Baekhyun,” Jongdae scolds.

"What list?" Baekhyun asks, genuinely this time, with a sigh of exaggerrated embarrassment.

"You know the one."

Baekhyun gives in, figuring Jongdae won’t give up until he relents. "...You mean holding your hand?"

"Mmhmm," Jongdae hums. Baekhyun startles when Jongdae's fingers weave in between his own, his palm against his, warm and tingly.

"And what else did you say you wanted to do?" Jongdae asks.

Baekhyun swallows nervously, feeling heat creep slowly up his neck. "Call you mine."

"I'm yours," Jongdae says, with no hesitation whatsoever. "Always have been, since the day we met."

He’s always been so damn charming, and it frustrated Baekhyun to no end. Even now, his heart jumps in his chest, and he wonders why it’s taken so long, then, for them to come together.

"And what was that last thing?" Jongdae says, faux curious.

Baekhyun knows what he's doing, but it still makes him nervous.

"Kiss you," he says finally, but it's quiet, his lips barely even moving.

It should have felt weird after that, should have been awkward or something, but it wasn't.

It should have felt odd, or out-of-place, or strange in atmosphere. It should have felt different, it should have felt bizarre.

But it didn’t. Not at all.

The only thing odd in the slightest is that Baekhyun - finally - did not have to repress his feelings, did not have to hold back any emotions, did not have to reprimand himself on feeling these things for his friend. Because he knew he felt the same.

It did not feel weird, or odd, or bizarre. It only felt right. It felt the same, in some strange way, just...with a different label. It was always like this, Baekhyun thinks. Nothing’s changed at all. Well, everything’s changed, technically speaking, but in the end...it was always meant to be like this. It was how it was supposed to be, from the start. And that, he thinks, is why it doesn’t feel strange. Although the dynamic between them has changed, although the air between them is tighter and warmer, their feelings remain wholly the same - pulsing that same rhythm of love they’ve been sharing for years.

Because they’ve always been on the same track. Just a bit too preoccupied to even notice.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Jongdae says, so softly that Baekhyun might be able to trick himself into believing he imagined it if he tried hard enough.

And Baekhyun can't help but laugh, because it's so Jongdae of him to expect Baekhyun to make the first move, to tease him into doing so. But, Baekhyun sort of wants to.

He lifts his head, propping himself up onto his elbow so that he can actually look Jongdae in the eyes, look down at him, at his lips that seem to be more tantalizing, more taunting, than ever. They turn up into an inviting, comforting smile. Although that smile's greeted him countless of times, it never really seems to get old.

And then he goes for it, because really, could they afford to waste any more time?

Their noses smush - awkwardly. Their cheeks brush, but it’s when their lips touch that Baekhyun can feel every nerve in his body alight on fire, feel his heart lurch and expand, feel the… _fireworks_ that people talk so much about.

Baekhyun feels Jongdae's lashes against his skin as his eyes flutter shut. It’s magical, the way Jongdae’s mouth works against his own. The kiss is tender, innocent — but also slow, and deep, and makes Baekhyun flush, heat crawling from his neck up to his cheeks.

Jongdae’s hand moves to rest on Baekhyun’s neck, and a bit on his cheek. He helps to guide him, their heads tilting and lips slotting carefully against each other. Jongdae pulls at his lip a bit, presses deeper against him.

Baekhyun feels, basically, like he is going to combust. Strangely, in the best way.

When they part, Baekhyun stays close to him, Jongdae’s hand still on his neck. He rubs his finger fondly across his cheek, their eyes meeting.

“Wow,” Baekhyun murmurs, and Jongdae chuckles, agreeing, before pulling him back in.

It takes a good five minutes for them to pull apart for real, for Baekhyun to pull back and take a breather and realize that he kind of just. Made out with Jongdae. That happened.

And in the back of Jongdae’s dad’s truck. Baekhyun will never be able to look him in the eyes again.

“Well,” Jongdae says, “I think we’ll both agree when I say we should have done this way sooner.”

Baekhyun laughs, hand on Jongdae’s chest as he presses his forehead there too, just briefly, as he gets all his giggling out. He’s on cloud nine, essentially.

He moves his head to Jongdae’s shoulder eventually, mimicking the position Jongdae was in earlier, lips pressed against his shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun says. “I think the wait made it all the better.”

“Really now?”

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. finding Jongdae’s hand again. Music is still filtering out from the school. “Because I fell in love with you while you were my best friend. If I asked you out all those years ago, it would have been different.”

“You’re right,” Jongdae says. “I feel more connected to you this way.”

Baekhyun hums in agreement. After that, they’re quiet, listening to the faint music from the dance. Baekhyun sort of hopes it never ends, because then that’ll mean they don’t have to move, they don’t have to get up, to leave and sleep in different homes.

Jongdae begins crooning to the songs eventually. He starts off quietly at first, but upon Baekhyun’s encouragement, or bad influence, he gets louder and louder until he’s singing the songs boldly, dramatically. Baekhyun laughs like he’s never laughed before, pressing his face into Jongdae’s shoulder and muffling his laughter.

Once it quiets down, once the song ends and Baekhyun’s chuckles die down, Jongdae’s other hand — the one not preoccupied by Baekhyun’s — finds its way to Baekhyun’s hair, weaving through the strands gently. It’s relaxing, and tender, and makes Baekhyun’s heart melt.

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, tone gentle again. “I meant everything I said on the tapes. You know that, right?”

Baekhyun hums. “Even when you said you were gross?”

“Especially when I said I was gross,” Jongdae says, chuckling. “I surprised myself with how disgustingly cheesy I could be.”

“It didn’t surprise me,” Baekhyun says. “You’re a softie.”

“Only for you,” Jongdae says. Baekhyun can hear the smile in his voice. He can hear the fondness and affection too when he says next, “I love you more than anything.”

“I love you too,” Baekhyun manages with a quivering heart. What a dream, this feels like. The stars, scattered across the sky so evenly, so perfectly. The soft, faded music crooning from the school. Jongdae holding him in his warm embrace.

It’s really been quite the ride. Quite the story.

“You were right,” Baekhyun says. “We make a good team.”

“Black Light and Thunder Boy, bringing the storm wherever we go,” Jongdae says, laughing. “Frostbyte’s got nothing on us.”

“Got that right,” Baekhyun chuckles. “And anyways—”

Baekhyun presses a kiss against Jongdae’s shoulder, and wraps his hand tighter around his.

“—I really like our ending a lot better.”

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading! I hope it was enjoyable :) 
> 
> pls talk to me on twitter @xiseoks my account is private but I will always let you follow so long as I don't know you irl jkjdfksjdf


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